So the past few days I have felt completely overwhelmed by everything. I look at my life and I see the things I want to change, I could list them out, but it seems pointless right now. But Looking at that list my heart surges, almost as if the battle cry has rung out and it is time to charge ahead, like a warrior into a battle. But logically, I can't reason where to start. I love puzzles and figuring them out, I look at life in a step by step pattern "if a=b and b=c then a=c" to me this would be lovely. But somewhere in the pages of the book the solution is there, where I need to start and the steps to completion, yet I have done nothing but wear myself out looking for it out. So, I stand here, and I'm overwhelmed and tired.
I love carrying burdens with other people, living life the way it should be. My heart breaks for the girls I've talked to lately, and the choices and pain they are having to deal with. I'm sorry, I wish I could take this from you, but I am stuck here and you will remain here/at school far away. I wish I could adequitely consol you, or even understand your pain. Don't worry your secret is safe with me. I'll keep it until you're ready, it's the least I can do for you girls.
I leave soon, and I'm sad about it. I feel like I failed some people here, and I've run out of time to make it better. I like my job, they are my family. I love my church, they live life with me, a true community. Here I constantly marvel at how blessed I was/am with the sheer amount of people that continually encourage and love on me. People that if I was asked about this summer I wouldn't realize what they mean to me. School is hard for me, because this is all so far away. I feel lonely, and like people don't want to try and understand, shutting me up would be easier. I refuse to transfer, I refuse that defeat, I AM there for a reason, it remains unseen as of today.
I need discernment. Hardcore.
"You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is
My delight
Come away with Me
My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you
My song of peace
Cast all your care down at
My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe
My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of
My strength
I'll take you to
My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in
Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love"--Kari Jobe
Someday the significance of those words will sink in. Until then I pray to understand them...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Don't take the dark, but please make it lighter
I've always been ridiculously terrified of the dark, so much so that I shake when outside in the dark (driving included). I typically do whatever possible to keep myself from being alone in the dark. Lately however, I decided to try something new. Nights that I have to be in the dark I just pray that God will make it light enough to see; and the Lord has provided every single time I've asked. I realize that it isn't acutally any lighter than any other night, but I'm finding that the Lord changes my perspective to make me trust.
I have been learning a lot about community this week. Loving people in the midst of their needs. Holding hands with Ali just to remind her I'm there, and talking with Brittany about her anxiousness. I got to love on these girls today, and I know that it's the Lord because I get pushed to the point where normally I would get frustrated, and I find I just love more. I'm not sure I fully get it yet.
I'm trying really hard to give God control, and to trust Him more fully. I find it hard to comprehend trusting God with my whole life, so I settle for trusting for 5 minutes at a time. Once those 5 minutes are up I recommit. I try and go with the flow more now because I learned fighting things that really aren't in my control is pointless, and if its not helping my walk with the Lord, or the other person, or the situation. It can only hurt.
I need to process a lot of what I've been learning, I think. But I tend to get lost in the bustle of daily activities and find myself just bogged down with the weight of my mind.
"Give me Your eyes for just one second, give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing, give me a love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me a heart for the ones forgotten, give me Your eyes so I can see."
I have been learning a lot about community this week. Loving people in the midst of their needs. Holding hands with Ali just to remind her I'm there, and talking with Brittany about her anxiousness. I got to love on these girls today, and I know that it's the Lord because I get pushed to the point where normally I would get frustrated, and I find I just love more. I'm not sure I fully get it yet.
I'm trying really hard to give God control, and to trust Him more fully. I find it hard to comprehend trusting God with my whole life, so I settle for trusting for 5 minutes at a time. Once those 5 minutes are up I recommit. I try and go with the flow more now because I learned fighting things that really aren't in my control is pointless, and if its not helping my walk with the Lord, or the other person, or the situation. It can only hurt.
I need to process a lot of what I've been learning, I think. But I tend to get lost in the bustle of daily activities and find myself just bogged down with the weight of my mind.
"Give me Your eyes for just one second, give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing, give me a love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me a heart for the ones forgotten, give me Your eyes so I can see."
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Blessed Beyond Measure
"You said, ask and you will recieve, whatever you need.
You said pray and I'll hear from heaven, and I'll heal your land."
Today was probably one of the best days that I have had in a long time. In all aspects. I woke up to my father-figure sending me a text of our daily verse. I had coffee with Shelley, and it reminded me how much she blesses me, and how much I truly have missed having someone who shares their heart with me, and then points me to God when I share mine. She dropped me off for work and I worked and really just felt at peace there. I left to have dinner with Sam and Clayton, and those two have always challenged my thoughts. When Sam left, Clayton and I talked for hours just about our lives and hearts for the nations. Also, all day people who bless me beyond their comprehension continued to send me texts of how they loved me and wanted to spend time with me. I wrote all that, to write that I know that I am always blessed but there seem to be times when I need to be reminded that it hits me, and I have to pull onto the sholder in an empty Denny's parking lot, and just worship the Lord for his continued faithfulness in my life and how today was one of the best "bonus" days I have had for a long time. I have been stretched to grow and learn this break in aspects of my life that I couldn't imagine sitting in Bolivar before break. I am ready to go back, but not for the reasons you could probably guess.
"Ask and I'll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will see you're light, as it rises on us."
I want to be a sign post. Like Mark talked about two weeks ago. Ones that only point to God, because that is why they were created. But I fear, that many days I only point to myself. That's been a convicting thought, of my intentions. I want to touch lives of kids in Guatemala, but I'm scared that's just my selfish ambition. I've been praying for discernment lately. I'm working on completely trusting the Lord with EVERYTHING. All thoughts, feelings, and actions. I am finding how much I don't actually trust God with my life. Its almost like I gave over big things to him but continue to hold on to what I consider small and insignificant choices; yet those seem to fill my days a lot more than life changing choices. So am I trusting? Or is it those million small insignificant choices that I continually make that really are shaping the big things? So where do I start? This has been a month of questioning things I thought to be certain. I haven't really talked to people about these thoughts, because I'm pretty sure I know the answers and I have come to realize how much I run to people with thoughts and I need to run to the Lord.
"I cannot do this anymore, to many things beyond my control. It's not that I don't want to, but I can't, please don't allow me to fail again. And what am I supposed to do when I don't feel you? My life is already such a mess how can I be used? And all my comforts leave me stripped and bare, I feel the world can't help but stop, and stare. When am I gonna stop, relying on myself, to quit these foolish ways, to look for someone else. When am I gonna realize it's not about me, I can't do this alone, 'cause I am oh so weak. 'Cause it takes much more than I have, to fight for every truth, to get out of these lies, and go out seeking You."-(www.myspace.com/jesserbeck)
that was written by an amazingly talented girl at my school, and this month my reflections have echoed this sweet girls words. I hate using things that aren't mine, but this girl nailed it!
"We live by faith, not by sight"- 2 Corinthians 5:7
You said pray and I'll hear from heaven, and I'll heal your land."
Today was probably one of the best days that I have had in a long time. In all aspects. I woke up to my father-figure sending me a text of our daily verse. I had coffee with Shelley, and it reminded me how much she blesses me, and how much I truly have missed having someone who shares their heart with me, and then points me to God when I share mine. She dropped me off for work and I worked and really just felt at peace there. I left to have dinner with Sam and Clayton, and those two have always challenged my thoughts. When Sam left, Clayton and I talked for hours just about our lives and hearts for the nations. Also, all day people who bless me beyond their comprehension continued to send me texts of how they loved me and wanted to spend time with me. I wrote all that, to write that I know that I am always blessed but there seem to be times when I need to be reminded that it hits me, and I have to pull onto the sholder in an empty Denny's parking lot, and just worship the Lord for his continued faithfulness in my life and how today was one of the best "bonus" days I have had for a long time. I have been stretched to grow and learn this break in aspects of my life that I couldn't imagine sitting in Bolivar before break. I am ready to go back, but not for the reasons you could probably guess.
"Ask and I'll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will see you're light, as it rises on us."
I want to be a sign post. Like Mark talked about two weeks ago. Ones that only point to God, because that is why they were created. But I fear, that many days I only point to myself. That's been a convicting thought, of my intentions. I want to touch lives of kids in Guatemala, but I'm scared that's just my selfish ambition. I've been praying for discernment lately. I'm working on completely trusting the Lord with EVERYTHING. All thoughts, feelings, and actions. I am finding how much I don't actually trust God with my life. Its almost like I gave over big things to him but continue to hold on to what I consider small and insignificant choices; yet those seem to fill my days a lot more than life changing choices. So am I trusting? Or is it those million small insignificant choices that I continually make that really are shaping the big things? So where do I start? This has been a month of questioning things I thought to be certain. I haven't really talked to people about these thoughts, because I'm pretty sure I know the answers and I have come to realize how much I run to people with thoughts and I need to run to the Lord.
"I cannot do this anymore, to many things beyond my control. It's not that I don't want to, but I can't, please don't allow me to fail again. And what am I supposed to do when I don't feel you? My life is already such a mess how can I be used? And all my comforts leave me stripped and bare, I feel the world can't help but stop, and stare. When am I gonna stop, relying on myself, to quit these foolish ways, to look for someone else. When am I gonna realize it's not about me, I can't do this alone, 'cause I am oh so weak. 'Cause it takes much more than I have, to fight for every truth, to get out of these lies, and go out seeking You."-(www.myspace.com/jesserbeck)
that was written by an amazingly talented girl at my school, and this month my reflections have echoed this sweet girls words. I hate using things that aren't mine, but this girl nailed it!
"We live by faith, not by sight"- 2 Corinthians 5:7
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