The amount of things I don't know is amazing to me at times, and more often than not it is really overwhelming.
While talking to a girl last week about my life, I began to comprehend the vast amount of things I don't know and I got really worried about how to pursue my life without knowing things.
I don't know financially how next year will work with us being married, its going to be a major transition. I don't know what being married will hold in my status of financial aide in school, and like how to go about applying for these things not yet being married. I don't know where we will live, and all the details about that.
I don't know much more about our wedding plans than what we have had done since december, because I've been so busy I haven't even had time to sit down and look at what I need to be doing.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through this semester because this is the toughest class load I have ever had, and the vast amount of time I spend working seems to never be enough to be caught up with my life. I don't know if I will be able to pass all of my classes because as it stands I don't know the information I'm learning about....It's way to much.
There are a lot more, that stand with my community and my beliefs on things but because my life is no longer just affected by what I put on here, I am going to choose to wait until we know more about that.
I'm in a desperate need for a community, a group of young couples who can meet with us weekly and study the word, and within that women who I can share life with, and men who can share life with murray. But I feel helpless as to where to even start looking for one. I also need kids in my life, because they are a major part of my heart. I need to be able to play with infants and toddlers and love on them because for me, that is a major part of my worship experience, by holding a little child, I am given the opportunity to pray over them, lead them, make them laugh, comfort them, and see how deeply the father loves us. Without kids in my life, that I consistantly see and build relationships with, I often feel like I am missing what I'm called to do and in response am not filled by sitting in church and hearing about the father's love. I need a place that I can worship through music as well. Music is a lot of how I express myself, and I can pray through the words, and meditate on the words. I need a place that challenges me spiritually within the word and brings new concepts to light. But then I look at this ridiculous list and realize that I may be being to picky in how I allow the Lord to fill me up, but when I have those things in my life, I feel even in my lowest points that the Lord is working on me. Without it, I have started to run dry and have realized my need.
I dunno... I feel like the mountain of things I don't know stacks higher than the things I know and am certain of.
But in the midst of all of this, it has really brought me to a place of seeking the Lord, and his will. I haven't spent this much time, journaling and praying to Him in a long time, however I don't feel like I'm getting any answers, and since I suck at patience so its also been really frustrating. I hate being broken, and not knowing what to do or what to even think. Ihad some really awesome revelations of truth this weekend but I can't remember them right now...so maybe later
"we hold all the keys to our undoing
cutting me down in small degrees
you know my worst insecurities
I'm making no effort to understand
no one can hurt you like I can
deep down inside the girl's waking up
she's calling out to the boy she loves"
