The Lord has really rocked my world the past couple weeks. I had been pushing my emotions and needs aside for so long and hoping to just keep moving forward, but within that I lost sight of the one I was seeking, the lies began to sound like truth and slowly I began to embrace them all. This culture that I so hate, began to seep into my world, and change me. I stopped loving and forgiving with the grace I had been taught by my father and I began clinging to grudges and hurts that people have done. I have no excuse, I am fallen, and human. I have no reason that is good enough to explain why except that I am weak. All of these things I am finding we as humans hate admitting. I hate admitting when I am wrong, and when I could have made a better decision. When I could have been monitering my tongue but chose to let it run wild. When prayers are literally just hitting the ceiling because I've stopped seeking God's will and started seeking my own. When I begin making excuses as to why I can't read my bible that day, whether it be exhaustion or the realization of one of my deepest desires and how God is choosing to teach me patience and his timing by not fulfilling it, but instead of waiting in expectancy I choose to sulk and pout. These past few weeks I haven't been myself, and the one person brave enough to call me out on it was the one person I was most afraid to talk to about it. The one person I knew could see it in my eyes but I wasn't brave enough to ask for her to help me again because she has helped me to much.
But then I see grace abounding. The Lord using people and places, stories, truth and children to bring me back to his sight to see my failure and to accept that I cannot go back and change these past few weeks or the fact that when I was crying myself to sleep constantly, asking the Lord why, I held the answer. I was responsible. I held grudges and pain up instead of love and grace. I chose a busy life style instead of one with purpose. I fell in bed at night exhausted but not having touched a single person.
Its sometimes a funny thing, repentance, you feel broken at how selfish you were to not seek the Lord and wonder how it could have been. It's also weighty knowing you are choosing to turn around and not go back, but you got here so easily you didn't notice the straying how can I promise that? But the best part is the freedom you feel. How the living word goes from being so condeming to so encouraging. And when you look around, you see the people who were there whether they knew it or not to encourage and challenge me. The ones who loved me before and loved me then and continue to love me now.
And so here I sit, 17 days before walking down the isle to begin a whole new adventure of which Murray and I can never be fully prepared alone, but with the grace of the Lord we will be prepared and we will face this adventure seeking His face through daily life. The stress and anxiety of the upcoming day are starting to hit me and some days I'm excited for it to be here and in anticipation of what our life will be like, and other days when we get angry with each other or choose our flesh over the other persons needs that I wonder if taking two to make one is really possible. But I am working on trusting the Lord open handed and I know that this is the start of the adventure he has for me. So why freak out and worry, God has known me and he loved me since before the world began and I know He has a better plan in mind than I could imagine.
So I appologize for how selfish I have been the past few weeks and for holding onto my hurt and not allowing the Lord to use that for His good. But I also sit with anticipation of what God is doing in my life. I wonder at times how strongly people can see the Lord working in my life, is it as strongly as I can see the people I look up to growing and changing, or is it light and stagnant like many of the people I walk by on the street, or serve in our store. I can't answer that question and honestly I'm to scared to ask. I don't want to hear the second one, but I worry that is all people see... But for now, I will stop worrying and stop looking at this culture again, and start spending time in the places I feel the Lord. Maybe then, people will see the Lord's work in my life.
"May the Lord answer you when you
are in distress;
May He send you help from the
sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed
We will shout for joy when you are
victorious
and will lift up our banners in the
name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
Now I know that the Lord saves his
anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand
Some trust in chariots and some in
horses
But we trust in the name of the
Lord our God
They are brought to their knees and
fall
but we rise up and stand firm
o Lord, save the king
Answer us when we call"
