I haven't blogged much lately, mainly because I didn't feel like I had anything life changing to say, but regardless its a new year and it still amazes me what memories stick with you as you drive home from a long day. Today there were many, spending breakfast with Melissa and talking about life-giving topics and realizing how much I miss her in my daily life, sitting down with my uncle who I haven't seen in years and talking about the most random things, laughing at work, the community of people I love all gathered under one roof to celebrate the coming of a new year, but most importantly, the words spoken to me by a sweet family that I don't even think anyone else heard.
The story: I was talking to a family of a really good friend of mine and I hadn't gotten to spend any time with them in a long time, so we were catching up. I was told their oldest son had died on December 2nd, and my heart broke for this family, but later in the conversation the father (who is such a sweet guy) started talking about a time when I had served them at my job and had gone over to take the time to talk to him and his son, and his remark that he told me his son talked about how much he could tell I loved jesus and how he really respected me for that, and it i began to see the lord's hand in my life, but I hope that other people can see that in my life as much as that young man said. But I'm really sad I'll never get to talk to him about it!
I guess I can never really know the impression I make on people, whether good or bad, in this lifetime. That's what I hope to see in heaven, the reflection of the Lord in me in such a way that everyone looking at me can't deny what they see...
I've been reading a lot of marriage books, considering I'm trying to plan a wedding, and I've been challenged by the biblical perspective that they have brought up.
I feel like I'm kind of bursting with so much to say right now, but can't find the words....sighs, I hate wen that happens.
The earth quakes with melody,
constellations sparkling,
to our father friend and King.
You paint sunsets in the sky;
You made daybreak through the night,
redemption songs flow from our lives.
We love to hear a symphony,
from saints and angels,
all creation, praise the King,
from height of space
to depth of sea,
music flows from hearts
You have redeemed
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
"So He created man in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them."--Genesis 1:27
My life has changed radically since that last post, just a few days ago... For one, Murray proposed and we're getting married on August 14th, and the wedding plans have begun, which is just insane! But also, my heart has become really broken for the brokenness of people...I have many stories that when taken together, show me the important message of understanding the necessity of community and for being thankful always for what I have been given.
1. I ran into the family that I hurt two years ago, and just to see the little girl I fell in love with, really broke my heart. In the 5 seconds I was near her, I almost cried. I didn't know how to react, mainly because I wasn't expecting to run into her, I think about her often but then wasn't one of those times. I try not to live with regrets because they cause you to become distracted from what God has for you now, but that is one thing I regret...
2. My mother has a boyfriend, who has a little boy around the age of 8, who she tells me stories about, and he just breaks my heart. He has no friends and feels really alone. He seems to have no shard of hope to cling to, and he is so young battling fear when he should be being a child. I wish so badly that I could spend time with him, and tell him how precious he is to my daddy...
3. My friend Chloe has really become broken and passionate about the homeless in NWA, which I see as really encouraging and sweet, and a great example of the body of Christ fulfilling the things we are required to. But after hearing her stories of interactions with these homeless people, if you could walk away and be unchanged I would seriously doubt how alive Christ within you actually is. She's seen Christians judge and push out a homeless man from a restaurant, and also seen that same man almost cry because she spent a dollar on him to buy a cookie. I know Clayton and I used to go around Fayettville and talk to and feed the homeless people we came into contact with, we never went together but I know separately we have both done this. The smiles on these peoples face when you hand them a 75 cent burger is like a child on Christmas day.
4. I've come to realize that it is a terrible thing when we can send a bunch of high-schoolers to a mountain in Colorado and they can talk about how they feel so close to God there, because they see His fingerprints all over creation, but they see the kid in their class that has no friends, or that homeless man on the side of the road, they can look at their family and say damaging things to them, and completely miss the fact that every single one of them contains the living breathing image of God... (Genesis 1:27) that image of God may be broken at times and not very well reflected because of all the pain, but it doesn't loose life as long as that person exists and with people acting as community and the spirit restoring them, that image can heal. I've seen it heal in so many people that I know that this is possible. But I can't believe that just by viewing God's fingerprints we feel closer to Him, when we are sitting next to His very image, much more complete than just a print...
5. Two older couples sat outside a restaurant on Sunday and were talking politics of their church. I personally hate politics of all kinds, but they were talking about deacons and all these committees. They were discussing who was going to fill certain positions. Fine. Great. Whatever. But, in talking about that, they began speaking negatively about some people in their church and gossiping about people in their church and this really frustrated me. They were coming from church! They know that they are to be the body, and yet they were tearing apart fellow believers. That just seemed to far out there, maybe they didn't see it this way, but I know if those people had been standing there that they were talking about, they definately would not have been enriched and built up by what they heard.
6. I went to work today for the first time since August, and failed the whole time I was there, to be thankful for the fact that I have a job. A man got really angry at me for something small, and I failed to return a complete sincerity in serving him. I failed to see the image of the living breathing Christ in everyone, but focused on the people that were just nice to me. I talked about "Christian" things with my co-workers, but did anyone I serve know I was a Christian by my actions and not just by my words? Do my co-workers even see Christ in me? Or do they just hear me talk about Him? The word tells us, "they will know us by our fruit." So, what kind of fruit am I producing?
Over the past week or so, I've taken another look at Proverbs 31:10-31:
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
I consider myself blessed to know so many women that I feel live this sort of life and to see the impact they have had on the world...but in the face of my upcoming marriage, I have often looked at that passage and felt despair...I don't feel like I come anywhere close to living that passage, and it sometimes breaks my heart, because over the past few months I've seen Murray grow as the leader of our relationship, and take on that responsibility sometimes under forceful hands. But he has, and he continues to show me that he loves me in various way and that he will lead. So I know he should have a wife that fits this passage but he chose me, and sometimes I don't understand why but it doesn't change that fact. I desire to be a woman of the word and to grow and mature as I have seen so many Godly women do so, I guess...it is happening, as long as I cling to the truth I am being sanctified for the Lord, but I guess I just get frustrated that it doesn't happen as quickly as I want it to...maybe its just something I fail to see in myself...but if so I feel as if someone else then would have to see this and would have to know this process beginning.
So, tonight my heart breaks, for various reasons: the brokenness of the people around me, my selfishness at not helping and even occasionally taking part in damaging another, the unacknowledged image within everyone else screaming to be set free...and the fact that I desire to be the woman of Proverbs 31 and I am not seeing this in my life...
Dear broken heart,
I know you must be broken at times for me to grow, and that this pain must happen so that I can truly appreciate the joy of the sunshine. However, can you please just show me the light at the end of the tunnel? Can you let me in on that little secret? I sit on my bed clutching the peices of you that once used to be whole wondering if I could know the pain I was about to walk through, if I would still go through with it...I mean Jesus knew the pain of the cross and willingly walked towards it, why should I shy away fom something that is going to teach me? What exactly are you trying to teach me? Where are we going?
Amy
" How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom"
Just think about those words...and the power that they hold...I'm awestruck!
So I was reading through my last post, and saw Isaiah 61:1-3 at the bottom of it, and it just hit me how much that passage has shown up in my life! Church on saturday night, the well, worship, class, randomly I'll open my bible to it, chapel...its ridiculous, but I'm so excited to see what god teaches me from it...it's such an inspiring text of proclaiming freedom to the captives and bestowing a garment of praise for brokenness...it's honestly what I want to do with my life...is teach children all of these things...I can't wait to see what happens with this passage in my life.
1. I ran into the family that I hurt two years ago, and just to see the little girl I fell in love with, really broke my heart. In the 5 seconds I was near her, I almost cried. I didn't know how to react, mainly because I wasn't expecting to run into her, I think about her often but then wasn't one of those times. I try not to live with regrets because they cause you to become distracted from what God has for you now, but that is one thing I regret...
2. My mother has a boyfriend, who has a little boy around the age of 8, who she tells me stories about, and he just breaks my heart. He has no friends and feels really alone. He seems to have no shard of hope to cling to, and he is so young battling fear when he should be being a child. I wish so badly that I could spend time with him, and tell him how precious he is to my daddy...
3. My friend Chloe has really become broken and passionate about the homeless in NWA, which I see as really encouraging and sweet, and a great example of the body of Christ fulfilling the things we are required to. But after hearing her stories of interactions with these homeless people, if you could walk away and be unchanged I would seriously doubt how alive Christ within you actually is. She's seen Christians judge and push out a homeless man from a restaurant, and also seen that same man almost cry because she spent a dollar on him to buy a cookie. I know Clayton and I used to go around Fayettville and talk to and feed the homeless people we came into contact with, we never went together but I know separately we have both done this. The smiles on these peoples face when you hand them a 75 cent burger is like a child on Christmas day.
4. I've come to realize that it is a terrible thing when we can send a bunch of high-schoolers to a mountain in Colorado and they can talk about how they feel so close to God there, because they see His fingerprints all over creation, but they see the kid in their class that has no friends, or that homeless man on the side of the road, they can look at their family and say damaging things to them, and completely miss the fact that every single one of them contains the living breathing image of God... (Genesis 1:27) that image of God may be broken at times and not very well reflected because of all the pain, but it doesn't loose life as long as that person exists and with people acting as community and the spirit restoring them, that image can heal. I've seen it heal in so many people that I know that this is possible. But I can't believe that just by viewing God's fingerprints we feel closer to Him, when we are sitting next to His very image, much more complete than just a print...
5. Two older couples sat outside a restaurant on Sunday and were talking politics of their church. I personally hate politics of all kinds, but they were talking about deacons and all these committees. They were discussing who was going to fill certain positions. Fine. Great. Whatever. But, in talking about that, they began speaking negatively about some people in their church and gossiping about people in their church and this really frustrated me. They were coming from church! They know that they are to be the body, and yet they were tearing apart fellow believers. That just seemed to far out there, maybe they didn't see it this way, but I know if those people had been standing there that they were talking about, they definately would not have been enriched and built up by what they heard.
6. I went to work today for the first time since August, and failed the whole time I was there, to be thankful for the fact that I have a job. A man got really angry at me for something small, and I failed to return a complete sincerity in serving him. I failed to see the image of the living breathing Christ in everyone, but focused on the people that were just nice to me. I talked about "Christian" things with my co-workers, but did anyone I serve know I was a Christian by my actions and not just by my words? Do my co-workers even see Christ in me? Or do they just hear me talk about Him? The word tells us, "they will know us by our fruit." So, what kind of fruit am I producing?
Over the past week or so, I've taken another look at Proverbs 31:10-31:
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
I consider myself blessed to know so many women that I feel live this sort of life and to see the impact they have had on the world...but in the face of my upcoming marriage, I have often looked at that passage and felt despair...I don't feel like I come anywhere close to living that passage, and it sometimes breaks my heart, because over the past few months I've seen Murray grow as the leader of our relationship, and take on that responsibility sometimes under forceful hands. But he has, and he continues to show me that he loves me in various way and that he will lead. So I know he should have a wife that fits this passage but he chose me, and sometimes I don't understand why but it doesn't change that fact. I desire to be a woman of the word and to grow and mature as I have seen so many Godly women do so, I guess...it is happening, as long as I cling to the truth I am being sanctified for the Lord, but I guess I just get frustrated that it doesn't happen as quickly as I want it to...maybe its just something I fail to see in myself...but if so I feel as if someone else then would have to see this and would have to know this process beginning.
So, tonight my heart breaks, for various reasons: the brokenness of the people around me, my selfishness at not helping and even occasionally taking part in damaging another, the unacknowledged image within everyone else screaming to be set free...and the fact that I desire to be the woman of Proverbs 31 and I am not seeing this in my life...
Dear broken heart,
I know you must be broken at times for me to grow, and that this pain must happen so that I can truly appreciate the joy of the sunshine. However, can you please just show me the light at the end of the tunnel? Can you let me in on that little secret? I sit on my bed clutching the peices of you that once used to be whole wondering if I could know the pain I was about to walk through, if I would still go through with it...I mean Jesus knew the pain of the cross and willingly walked towards it, why should I shy away fom something that is going to teach me? What exactly are you trying to teach me? Where are we going?
Amy
" How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One
Bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon the cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom"
Just think about those words...and the power that they hold...I'm awestruck!
So I was reading through my last post, and saw Isaiah 61:1-3 at the bottom of it, and it just hit me how much that passage has shown up in my life! Church on saturday night, the well, worship, class, randomly I'll open my bible to it, chapel...its ridiculous, but I'm so excited to see what god teaches me from it...it's such an inspiring text of proclaiming freedom to the captives and bestowing a garment of praise for brokenness...it's honestly what I want to do with my life...is teach children all of these things...I can't wait to see what happens with this passage in my life.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
"Be Still My Soul, Be Still, Be Still My Soul Be Still, Wait Patiently Upon The Lord"
So my life has been out of control recently...The Crucible currently rules my life, however, performances start tomorrow so it's a little late to quite at this point...I have an exegetical to write, I feel like it's going to take the rest of my life and so I get really discouraged everytime I start to work on it...I have problems being productive recently, I just have so much to do I don't know where to start so I end up taking 255 pictures of myself and Steph, because its 2 am and we have nothing better to do.
Murray came home with me this weekend and had the talk with my mom about proposing. That's a scary and exciting thought all together. It's crazy to think that this time next year I'll be married and every aspect of my life will change. That freaks me out to a point because I've always been known (and often mocked) for my need to be in control of situations, and I feel very out of control right now in a lot of ways. I'm excited though, I think sometimes I either fail to tell people that, or I get so wrapped up in trying to figure out why I feel out of control that I forget. I should probably be working on that...
Every Thursday night a few friends and I help a girl lead worship, and the girls i lead with come up with a word that describes our week. They all normally can easily come up with a word and describe how that has played out in their life that week. But, I've always sat there and never really been able to know, and it made me question a lot. However, this weekend when we were home, Murray and I went to church a lot...and Saturday night the word glory really stuck out to me in worship, and all of the songs were resounding in that theme. I thought it was awesome and shrugged it off. Sunday I worked in the nursery with a ton of my favorite babies, and the whole time I just had this feeling that me loving on those kiddos was really glorifying to the Lord in that moment. That night at the well, the talk was about the redemption story and how we were part of it globally and in our town...and the point was made that everything we do should be for the glory of the Lord...it's kind of blown my mind the fact that EVERY WHERE I look I see this theme popping up, and I have really enjoyed it and really felt the presence of the Lord through it all...
It's been really awesome, I would love to keep talking but it's almost 3am and I just don't really feel like it...you all know where to find me (via text, facebook, face time, etc) I'd be glad to talk if you want to know more
Isaiah 61:1-3
Murray came home with me this weekend and had the talk with my mom about proposing. That's a scary and exciting thought all together. It's crazy to think that this time next year I'll be married and every aspect of my life will change. That freaks me out to a point because I've always been known (and often mocked) for my need to be in control of situations, and I feel very out of control right now in a lot of ways. I'm excited though, I think sometimes I either fail to tell people that, or I get so wrapped up in trying to figure out why I feel out of control that I forget. I should probably be working on that...
Every Thursday night a few friends and I help a girl lead worship, and the girls i lead with come up with a word that describes our week. They all normally can easily come up with a word and describe how that has played out in their life that week. But, I've always sat there and never really been able to know, and it made me question a lot. However, this weekend when we were home, Murray and I went to church a lot...and Saturday night the word glory really stuck out to me in worship, and all of the songs were resounding in that theme. I thought it was awesome and shrugged it off. Sunday I worked in the nursery with a ton of my favorite babies, and the whole time I just had this feeling that me loving on those kiddos was really glorifying to the Lord in that moment. That night at the well, the talk was about the redemption story and how we were part of it globally and in our town...and the point was made that everything we do should be for the glory of the Lord...it's kind of blown my mind the fact that EVERY WHERE I look I see this theme popping up, and I have really enjoyed it and really felt the presence of the Lord through it all...
It's been really awesome, I would love to keep talking but it's almost 3am and I just don't really feel like it...you all know where to find me (via text, facebook, face time, etc) I'd be glad to talk if you want to know more
Isaiah 61:1-3
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
"All I wanna do is exalt You, all I wanna do is to lift You high, all I wanna do is to please You, all I wanna do is to make You smile
So my life has been way hectic and I can't quite describe how. However, recently I was journaling and questioning the Lord as to His will for my life and what He wants for me; and when I journal I often write without really thinking about what is being put on the page, because it's just for me, grammer and logical transitions don't really matter to me. But anyway, I was writing and I looked back at it the next morning and from my questioning, in my own hand writing was a little love letter from the father to me, it was the first time it had ever happened and I was so excited to see it. Right after a list of questions I found this: "Be still...no more questions, no more wondering. Just worship me by being and be filled to the brink with my life. Your time will come my child, wait in expectaion for that moment, my whisper. Don't be distracted by the world around you, fix your eyes on me and me alone. I will never leave you or let you fall for you are mine, never fear."
I've been really stressed out lately and I have had a stress migrane for about 2 weeks and have finally come to the conclusion that I won't be trying to rush my college career and that I'll be going the full four years instead of just three...I just don't know if I could physically cope with that amount of stress.
I get this feeling that my whole life is about to change, I'm not really sure how I feel about it other than really stressed out and scared at the moment. I've never been one for change, I wouldn't walk on grass for like 3 months after I learned to walk. My mom would put me in the grass and I would just stand there and cry...If only I was one again, and whenever I was scared I could just be picked up and it would all go away.
I was really stressed last night and began praying for peace, and almost immediately I felt calmed, and was again amazed at how quickly God had answered me.
I'm praying for discernment and peace in the decisions that I am about to make...please join me in praying for this as well...I can't do this on my own strength!!
I've been really stressed out lately and I have had a stress migrane for about 2 weeks and have finally come to the conclusion that I won't be trying to rush my college career and that I'll be going the full four years instead of just three...I just don't know if I could physically cope with that amount of stress.
I get this feeling that my whole life is about to change, I'm not really sure how I feel about it other than really stressed out and scared at the moment. I've never been one for change, I wouldn't walk on grass for like 3 months after I learned to walk. My mom would put me in the grass and I would just stand there and cry...If only I was one again, and whenever I was scared I could just be picked up and it would all go away.
I was really stressed last night and began praying for peace, and almost immediately I felt calmed, and was again amazed at how quickly God had answered me.
I'm praying for discernment and peace in the decisions that I am about to make...please join me in praying for this as well...I can't do this on my own strength!!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
"I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun..."
Life is a funny thing, some days are just better because the sun is shining, I wish I could understand it...
I've been striving after life and my commitments a lot, and its slowly worn me down, I know that God wants us to rely on his provisions and to rest in his work, but I feel like I need to do the best that I can at the things I can committed to doing...But I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling like I continually don't do my best because I don't have enough time. I'm tired of not spending enough time in His word because I fall asleep every-time I start to read it, or not even open it some times because I don't even finish my homework. Every one else can see that I'm over committed, why can't I? But then I'm at a loss because even if I start to realize that I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it.
God really pulled at my heart the other day, Murray talked on the prodigal son at church and I could just tell that God was stirring things. It hurt, a lot, and I don't exactly know what to do with the thoughts that took place during that hour. I want to go back and ask for forgiveness, because it has become very apparent in my life that I have pushed this hurt away and just tried to move on...but it's affecting everything including my relationships. I need to heal, and forgive; yet I don't want to process through these emotions to get to that spot.
We have been going through Song of Solomon with some girls in my hall and it challenges me so much with my view of dating and courtship...I plan on making my brothers listen to it, so that they know how to lead in a Godly relationship. I've really enjoyed just being reminded of that truth.
Intentionality is not something that I'm great at. I've really been working, but I feel fake a lot of times when I try and be intentional with my girls. I also feel like when I sit down to talk to them, it some how turns out that I do most of the talking...I don't like that. I shall work on my listening next!
I have currently been blessed immensely by some of the people in the community I live in at school. We went to the park Sunday and spent some time at a bonfire late that night. I've really enjoyed getting to know these people.
I have a great roommate this term and I have really enjoyed serving her, and laughing with her. It's been a lot of fun. I wish at times there were a few different aspects but I can totally tell that the Lord allowed me to choose her as a roommate to prove to me that things will continue to get better, and I'm stoked for whatever is going to happen next!!
I've been striving after life and my commitments a lot, and its slowly worn me down, I know that God wants us to rely on his provisions and to rest in his work, but I feel like I need to do the best that I can at the things I can committed to doing...But I'm tired, I'm tired of feeling like I continually don't do my best because I don't have enough time. I'm tired of not spending enough time in His word because I fall asleep every-time I start to read it, or not even open it some times because I don't even finish my homework. Every one else can see that I'm over committed, why can't I? But then I'm at a loss because even if I start to realize that I don't feel like there's anything I can do about it.
God really pulled at my heart the other day, Murray talked on the prodigal son at church and I could just tell that God was stirring things. It hurt, a lot, and I don't exactly know what to do with the thoughts that took place during that hour. I want to go back and ask for forgiveness, because it has become very apparent in my life that I have pushed this hurt away and just tried to move on...but it's affecting everything including my relationships. I need to heal, and forgive; yet I don't want to process through these emotions to get to that spot.
We have been going through Song of Solomon with some girls in my hall and it challenges me so much with my view of dating and courtship...I plan on making my brothers listen to it, so that they know how to lead in a Godly relationship. I've really enjoyed just being reminded of that truth.
Intentionality is not something that I'm great at. I've really been working, but I feel fake a lot of times when I try and be intentional with my girls. I also feel like when I sit down to talk to them, it some how turns out that I do most of the talking...I don't like that. I shall work on my listening next!
I have currently been blessed immensely by some of the people in the community I live in at school. We went to the park Sunday and spent some time at a bonfire late that night. I've really enjoyed getting to know these people.
I have a great roommate this term and I have really enjoyed serving her, and laughing with her. It's been a lot of fun. I wish at times there were a few different aspects but I can totally tell that the Lord allowed me to choose her as a roommate to prove to me that things will continue to get better, and I'm stoked for whatever is going to happen next!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
"You ransom me unharmed from the battle waged against me, You hold me in Your arms and You carry me to safety..."
Lately my life has been an up and down rollercoaster. Ups from Christian community, roommate time, watching youth groups worship, peteridactyls in the park, 3 am hang outs, dog barks during worship practice, laughing until I got stitches, coffee and cards, late night taco bell runs, and girl talk. Downs from fights, frustration, anxiety, migranes, brokenness, stress from school, uncertainty.
Life throws you curve balls at times...I just never know how to describe them. I'm blessed beyond measure and I don't deserve any of it...
I guess I'll use my week as an example:
Sunday: I went to church and enjoyed my boy and his best friend chasing a train, I watched new believers being baptized into the faith, I went to a coffee shop with some girls, went to filipino church and played with the most precious baby girl, I was blessed with the presence of a good friend.
Monday: School, House church with some good friends, we had a good talk and good community
Tuesday: school, Horton hears a who, ice cream, walk with David
Wednesday: School, Common Ground youth service, worst migrane of my life :(
Thursday: David, class, walk at the park, 3g's, roommate time, worship, 3 am hangout session
Friday: school, worship practice with tons of laughs, rendezvous with murray, talks with my girls, taco bell runs, and the italian job
I feel really blessed!
Life throws you curve balls at times...I just never know how to describe them. I'm blessed beyond measure and I don't deserve any of it...
I guess I'll use my week as an example:
Sunday: I went to church and enjoyed my boy and his best friend chasing a train, I watched new believers being baptized into the faith, I went to a coffee shop with some girls, went to filipino church and played with the most precious baby girl, I was blessed with the presence of a good friend.
Monday: School, House church with some good friends, we had a good talk and good community
Tuesday: school, Horton hears a who, ice cream, walk with David
Wednesday: School, Common Ground youth service, worst migrane of my life :(
Thursday: David, class, walk at the park, 3g's, roommate time, worship, 3 am hangout session
Friday: school, worship practice with tons of laughs, rendezvous with murray, talks with my girls, taco bell runs, and the italian job
I feel really blessed!
Monday, August 31, 2009
"Bury me with Israel and cover up my tracks, leave not a trace of what I was, I'm never coming back..."
Balance. What an important thing in my everyday life, but so hard to find. The balance between all the roles I play on a daily basis wears me out just in theory...a student, disciple, girlfriend, mentor, friend, daughter, sister-in-Christ...I'm pretty sure doing one of them adequately would be a full time job.
I've been frustrated lately by some of the people in my life who I had issues with a year ago either can't change how they see me, or the repercussions of how I am treated as a student...this is a REALLY long story so if you ask, I'd be more willing to tell.
Life at school is really different than the life I became accustomed to at home....a lot more reading, and a lot less of people pouring into me and loving on me.
I'm not really sure how this semester is going to play out as far as the people I will be investing in and the people investing in me, my grades, church, tech, and house-church. Moments like this when I wish I actually had an easy button.
I've had so much reading for school that by the time I finish at night (if I finish at night) I'm to tired/mentally exhausted to get in the word. I miss it, tomorrow I shall dig into the word as soon as I get out of class! Not reading always makes me realize how drained I get when I don't...
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head at once, to many emotions to process...I haven't had tears, so I'm guessing as soon as I get them I'll be a mess.
I want to keep my soul fertile, to allow the changes of time and space to come and not be thrown completely off everytime it happens...I want to keep walking away from the person I was ten minutes ago so that through me the kingdom of the Lord may be completed on earth...we talked a lot today about how we were not only saved from something, but also saved to complete a work....these are very intriguing thoughts for my brain!
Murray took me on our first date last night...I'm not sure how to let him take spiritualheadship in my life, I wish I knew not only what it looked like (I have a few good examples in my life) but what it would look like and apply to in my life.
These are many oppertunities for prayer in my life...
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."--Psalm 62:1-2
I've been frustrated lately by some of the people in my life who I had issues with a year ago either can't change how they see me, or the repercussions of how I am treated as a student...this is a REALLY long story so if you ask, I'd be more willing to tell.
Life at school is really different than the life I became accustomed to at home....a lot more reading, and a lot less of people pouring into me and loving on me.
I'm not really sure how this semester is going to play out as far as the people I will be investing in and the people investing in me, my grades, church, tech, and house-church. Moments like this when I wish I actually had an easy button.
I've had so much reading for school that by the time I finish at night (if I finish at night) I'm to tired/mentally exhausted to get in the word. I miss it, tomorrow I shall dig into the word as soon as I get out of class! Not reading always makes me realize how drained I get when I don't...
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head at once, to many emotions to process...I haven't had tears, so I'm guessing as soon as I get them I'll be a mess.
I want to keep my soul fertile, to allow the changes of time and space to come and not be thrown completely off everytime it happens...I want to keep walking away from the person I was ten minutes ago so that through me the kingdom of the Lord may be completed on earth...we talked a lot today about how we were not only saved from something, but also saved to complete a work....these are very intriguing thoughts for my brain!
Murray took me on our first date last night...I'm not sure how to let him take spiritualheadship in my life, I wish I knew not only what it looked like (I have a few good examples in my life) but what it would look like and apply to in my life.
These are many oppertunities for prayer in my life...
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."--Psalm 62:1-2
Friday, August 21, 2009
"It's undeniable how brillant you are, in an unreliable world you shine like a star, it's unforgettable now that we've come this far..."
It is down to the last few hours before I leave Bentonville once again...I'm trying to soak up as much love from the people here that I can, before I leave and go back to school.
I have a hard time answering the question "are you excited to go back" because part of me is so excited to be back in the dorm with all the people in Bolivar who make me smile and challenge me. However, part of me doesn't want to go at all. I really worked this summer on being content in whatever situation I am in and so after 3 months, its no longer work for me to be content because I now love work and playing with my kids and I don't want to leave that.
I've been slacking big time on my time spent with the Lord, and then wondering why my days have slowly receeded in passion and purpose. I'm working on getting that back....
I'm working on my goals for this year and semester... Because I need a purpose, I need short term goals to work towards because my long term goals are to far sighted.
I really hate it when relationships change... sometimes it is for the better where we become closer and can talk easier. But occassionally, it isn't. I have learned that with some relationships time seems to stop when you are apart and everytime we get back together, we just pick up where we left off. But there are other relationships that time seems to change them and make it awkward, almost as if the realization of how much time and expericences we have had apart. I'm always never very sure how to make it better because I always have to leave again, but it never fails to make me sad how that happened to some of the relationships I had with some of my favorite people. The ironic thing though is that the relationships I've always expected to change never do.
I have to many thoughts currently...I need to process some of them before I continue...next time I write I will be in my dorm room in Bolivar....please pray for all of us in this transition back to school!
I have a hard time answering the question "are you excited to go back" because part of me is so excited to be back in the dorm with all the people in Bolivar who make me smile and challenge me. However, part of me doesn't want to go at all. I really worked this summer on being content in whatever situation I am in and so after 3 months, its no longer work for me to be content because I now love work and playing with my kids and I don't want to leave that.
I've been slacking big time on my time spent with the Lord, and then wondering why my days have slowly receeded in passion and purpose. I'm working on getting that back....
I'm working on my goals for this year and semester... Because I need a purpose, I need short term goals to work towards because my long term goals are to far sighted.
I really hate it when relationships change... sometimes it is for the better where we become closer and can talk easier. But occassionally, it isn't. I have learned that with some relationships time seems to stop when you are apart and everytime we get back together, we just pick up where we left off. But there are other relationships that time seems to change them and make it awkward, almost as if the realization of how much time and expericences we have had apart. I'm always never very sure how to make it better because I always have to leave again, but it never fails to make me sad how that happened to some of the relationships I had with some of my favorite people. The ironic thing though is that the relationships I've always expected to change never do.
I have to many thoughts currently...I need to process some of them before I continue...next time I write I will be in my dorm room in Bolivar....please pray for all of us in this transition back to school!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
"She knows how to run, let's teach her how to walk..."
Well, Kids Kamp came and went....it really feels like it was just a blink of an eye! I had the 20 coolest kids in the whole camp though!! I did have a hard time with some of the workers, but I was convicted that I wasn't there for the workers, that I was there for the kids. So I loved on kids, and was loved on by them! A sweet little boy named Parker would give me a hug everyday as he left, he melted my heart.
I've worked a ton, and baby-sat a ton lately. I love, love, LOVE working with kids! Spending my mornings with Ethan and Jude were definately a highlight of my week this week...I'm looking forward to getting to do it for the next 3 weeks! I can't even begin to describe the joy I get from loving on kids and being trusted with every parents most precious thing in their world...
I start school soon, I really can't decide my feelings on it. I want to be back, because there are aspects of life in Bolivar that I love! But then I think about some of the negative aspects of being there. I then start thinking of the awesome people here and my life, and the negative things. My heart is so torn, I just don't know what to think and to do! I'm very unsettled about the whole thing.
I love being led by the Spirit when I think of people. I was asleep one night and was woken up in complete distress about a friend of mine, I didn't know what was going on with her, but I knew she wasn't doing great. I was broken hearted for her, and began to pray for her. I fell asleep again after about an hour and a half. I woke up the next morning after not much sleep feeling better than I had in a while, knowing god gave the rest I needed.
I've been praying to be given oppertunities to be the body. its been exciting to see how God has answered that, by opening my eyes to things.
I love being able to laugh! To hang out with girls I love and just have fun. I am such a blessed person, with major imperfections and flaws, but it never ceases to amaze me how wonderfully people love me!
I've worked a ton, and baby-sat a ton lately. I love, love, LOVE working with kids! Spending my mornings with Ethan and Jude were definately a highlight of my week this week...I'm looking forward to getting to do it for the next 3 weeks! I can't even begin to describe the joy I get from loving on kids and being trusted with every parents most precious thing in their world...
I start school soon, I really can't decide my feelings on it. I want to be back, because there are aspects of life in Bolivar that I love! But then I think about some of the negative aspects of being there. I then start thinking of the awesome people here and my life, and the negative things. My heart is so torn, I just don't know what to think and to do! I'm very unsettled about the whole thing.
I love being led by the Spirit when I think of people. I was asleep one night and was woken up in complete distress about a friend of mine, I didn't know what was going on with her, but I knew she wasn't doing great. I was broken hearted for her, and began to pray for her. I fell asleep again after about an hour and a half. I woke up the next morning after not much sleep feeling better than I had in a while, knowing god gave the rest I needed.
I've been praying to be given oppertunities to be the body. its been exciting to see how God has answered that, by opening my eyes to things.
I love being able to laugh! To hang out with girls I love and just have fun. I am such a blessed person, with major imperfections and flaws, but it never ceases to amaze me how wonderfully people love me!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Growing Pains
So I recently had the realization that I had to grow up. I can't just "Peter Pan" this thing, and stay little forever. That I need to quit acting childish and accept/face the upcoming responsibilities of my life. Of course, knowing me, as soon as I had this realization I began to freak out and want to run away, but I think it is about time to become the woman of god that I am supposed to be, and I don't know why I was scared, other than my fear of failing, but I have a million of people women in my life who continually pour truth into me and show me what I am supposed to do. This week, I have been increasingly thankful for these women...if you don't know who you are, I would be glad to tell you all in person!
Also, I had lunch with Kevie two days ago, and she is just such a sweet heart, and she got me thinking about all the people who loved me when I was so "messed up" and how now that I'm growing in the Lord they still continue to stand by myside and continue to love on me. I realized I am taking part in such an awesome body that sometimes I just sit back and realize how awesome my community is.
"I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is." Colossians 2:4-5
Also, I had lunch with Kevie two days ago, and she is just such a sweet heart, and she got me thinking about all the people who loved me when I was so "messed up" and how now that I'm growing in the Lord they still continue to stand by myside and continue to love on me. I realized I am taking part in such an awesome body that sometimes I just sit back and realize how awesome my community is.
"I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is." Colossians 2:4-5
Thursday, June 18, 2009
And when the world begins to see you change don't expect them to applaud, just keep your eyes on him and tell yourself, I've become the work of God"
So, I failed at journaling the past few weeks... it's been crazy though.
My mom leaves for Denver on the 4th of July, for surgery, that will hopefully save her from future anguish. Most people kinda freak out when I tell them this, and that she spent a while in the hospital. But the truth is, it doesn't scare me. My mother fights for what she wants to fight for, and I know that if anything happens it is for God's will alone. I sit confidently in the fact that this situation is out of my control and in God's. Why even fight it?
I've worked a ton lately. It has its awesome moments, dull moments, and moments when I could murder someone. It's the drama of my job, and after 4ish years, I'm getting used to it. I don't feel like it is an affective use of my potential for ministry, but I also know, that I love my job. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I love being expected to serve people, and learn little things about people, how they like their food. But, I pray that my consistant work at that job is glorifying to God and that I am a good steward of everything.
I love my community here, I really do. There is always someone telling me how much I mean to them, or just giving me a hug. Someone always making me feel valued and like I make a difference. I really miss Bolivar, and the people there, but I really needed people pouring into me like they do. I'm so thankful for each and every person and what they mean to me. I wish they all knew. I spent some quality time with my kiddos from a community group that I sit for, and they are precious, each and every one of those crazy kids!
I've been learning a lot recently about the application of how you can only trust God to the extent that you know him...I truly desire this summer to know him more!
I've been studying Colossians with a bunch of college students, the Mcllelands, and the Newmans, and I really enjoy how passionate Matt gets when he talks to us. I really wish I could spend more time with these two families, they are definately pillars of truth in my life, plus Chanika and Martha are precious woman, who are such a good examples in my life! I appreciate them a ton! Chankia was there for me probably more than she realized when I was going through a rough time; however both of these women make me feel so valued, loved, and cared for its ridiculous sometimes! I knowgod is working in and through these precious ladies to touch many lives of the teenage girls that really need their love and affection. They've taught me what it means to be a woman of god and to have a heart for girls. I just really love them!
I was touched last night when a girl from my dorm asked me to help her find a passage to combat a lie she was believing. She said I was really good at scripture. which was an encouragement that even though I don't feel it all the time, I am growing. I desire to be a woman of God, that is deeply moved by the scripture, and Shelley has been teaching me how to accomplish that.
I feel I have been distracted in my walk lately, but I definately say the cause of that would be my lack of time spent in the word. Sighs, I just wish I could have a consistant schedule so I could plan better. However, the time I have spent in the word has been awesome and much needed. I really am just in awe of God right now, and how he moves within me, and other people and how together we make this huge tapestry full of the redemption story, its amazing really.
"For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power according to His glorious might, for the attainin of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints of the light. For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:9-17
My mom leaves for Denver on the 4th of July, for surgery, that will hopefully save her from future anguish. Most people kinda freak out when I tell them this, and that she spent a while in the hospital. But the truth is, it doesn't scare me. My mother fights for what she wants to fight for, and I know that if anything happens it is for God's will alone. I sit confidently in the fact that this situation is out of my control and in God's. Why even fight it?
I've worked a ton lately. It has its awesome moments, dull moments, and moments when I could murder someone. It's the drama of my job, and after 4ish years, I'm getting used to it. I don't feel like it is an affective use of my potential for ministry, but I also know, that I love my job. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, I love being expected to serve people, and learn little things about people, how they like their food. But, I pray that my consistant work at that job is glorifying to God and that I am a good steward of everything.
I love my community here, I really do. There is always someone telling me how much I mean to them, or just giving me a hug. Someone always making me feel valued and like I make a difference. I really miss Bolivar, and the people there, but I really needed people pouring into me like they do. I'm so thankful for each and every person and what they mean to me. I wish they all knew. I spent some quality time with my kiddos from a community group that I sit for, and they are precious, each and every one of those crazy kids!
I've been learning a lot recently about the application of how you can only trust God to the extent that you know him...I truly desire this summer to know him more!
I've been studying Colossians with a bunch of college students, the Mcllelands, and the Newmans, and I really enjoy how passionate Matt gets when he talks to us. I really wish I could spend more time with these two families, they are definately pillars of truth in my life, plus Chanika and Martha are precious woman, who are such a good examples in my life! I appreciate them a ton! Chankia was there for me probably more than she realized when I was going through a rough time; however both of these women make me feel so valued, loved, and cared for its ridiculous sometimes! I knowgod is working in and through these precious ladies to touch many lives of the teenage girls that really need their love and affection. They've taught me what it means to be a woman of god and to have a heart for girls. I just really love them!
I was touched last night when a girl from my dorm asked me to help her find a passage to combat a lie she was believing. She said I was really good at scripture. which was an encouragement that even though I don't feel it all the time, I am growing. I desire to be a woman of God, that is deeply moved by the scripture, and Shelley has been teaching me how to accomplish that.
I feel I have been distracted in my walk lately, but I definately say the cause of that would be my lack of time spent in the word. Sighs, I just wish I could have a consistant schedule so I could plan better. However, the time I have spent in the word has been awesome and much needed. I really am just in awe of God right now, and how he moves within me, and other people and how together we make this huge tapestry full of the redemption story, its amazing really.
"For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power according to His glorious might, for the attainin of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints of the light. For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on the earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:9-17
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
"I have decided, I have resolved, To wait upon You Lord My rock and redeemer, sheild and reward..."
So, I'm home for the summer....after an awesome semester. I learned so much about truth and love, community and forgiveness, trust and dependence on Christ. I really enjoy being home, and seeing people that have impacted my life so much, I love my job (as always: smiles), but part of me is missing. I miss BoMo, and the community I have grown so close to. There are always tons of people and my Hannah is there with me always.
I hate this torn feeling, about not knowing which community I really belong to, because I love them both. When I'm at school I miss my church and job, but when I'm home I just miss the people so much. Mel and I were talking a couple nights ago about how we felt like nomads, traveling between two homes.
I do know that I will make it through this summer, with a ton of help from the people I love, and complete reliance on Christ. But, 5 days into it, I can already tell its going to be tough, I'm just hoping I get back into the groove of things and that that will distract me.
God has continued to be faithful in answering my prayer for God to break my heart for what breaks His, and has shown that through breaking my heart for a girl here. I don't know how to explain our relationship, I'm definately not her mentor, but like a couple other girls, they just call me their big sister... but everytime we hang out, I make sure and share the truths I am learning...
I still marvel over the fact that I learn a lesson, but then look back on past sermons I've heard and realize they were saying the exact thing I learned, and then I wonder why it didn't click then, and how much easier I would have been if it had...but I'm confident that, this is all just part of God's perfect timing...and seeing Him more clearly.
I love God's humor sometimes, the things you convince yourself that would never happen, that end up happening, and could only have done so through God...I'm getting more secure in realizing that's how He teaches me a lot.
"Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lords glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." -2 Corinthians 3:17-18
I am confident this passage that has stuck out to me the past 3 days as I read through 2 Corinthians is going to teach me something awesome!
"Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed."
I hate this torn feeling, about not knowing which community I really belong to, because I love them both. When I'm at school I miss my church and job, but when I'm home I just miss the people so much. Mel and I were talking a couple nights ago about how we felt like nomads, traveling between two homes.
I do know that I will make it through this summer, with a ton of help from the people I love, and complete reliance on Christ. But, 5 days into it, I can already tell its going to be tough, I'm just hoping I get back into the groove of things and that that will distract me.
God has continued to be faithful in answering my prayer for God to break my heart for what breaks His, and has shown that through breaking my heart for a girl here. I don't know how to explain our relationship, I'm definately not her mentor, but like a couple other girls, they just call me their big sister... but everytime we hang out, I make sure and share the truths I am learning...
I still marvel over the fact that I learn a lesson, but then look back on past sermons I've heard and realize they were saying the exact thing I learned, and then I wonder why it didn't click then, and how much easier I would have been if it had...but I'm confident that, this is all just part of God's perfect timing...and seeing Him more clearly.
I love God's humor sometimes, the things you convince yourself that would never happen, that end up happening, and could only have done so through God...I'm getting more secure in realizing that's how He teaches me a lot.
"Now, the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lords glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." -2 Corinthians 3:17-18
I am confident this passage that has stuck out to me the past 3 days as I read through 2 Corinthians is going to teach me something awesome!
"Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed."
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
May Your Wonders Never Cease, May Your Spirit Never Leave, May We Ever Long to Seek Your Face...
The past two weeks God has been rocking my life with truths... I came to post so many times but every time I felt like I was missing a major part of the story.
But I can't contain myself any longer, whether I know the whole story or if you will fill it in for me.
Essentially I've learned a lot. Lets start at the beginning:
I pulled an all nighter with 3 friends in Springfield (on 4/30/09), just because they wanted me to join. So I spent the night journaling and processing stuff. My prayer began on this night, in a many page monologue that I won't daunt you with. But, the prayer has continued ever since and it is "teach me what life would be like if you broke my heart for what breaks Yours." I can't believe how quickly God answered this prayer...pause: I sometimes wonder if He answered my prayer so quickly just to add some humor in his life almost like God was saying "now do you really want this?"...play: the first place I began to notice the changing of my heart was when I visited a church two sundays ago (5/3/09). It was a really small place, 60 people total, however they were all people I had never met before in my entire life (this becomes important later) and most people know how much I love strangers... :/ I was just there because a friend had asked me to join her. So, the service started and the pastor was talking about storms, he then proceeded to have the invitation that if any one was going through a storm to go to the front and be prayed over. I was suprised at how quickly and how many people then walked to the front of the room and began to weep. I sat there kind of at odds of what to do, and how to react. However, the more I watched the body of Christ in this form, the more I felt my heart break and tears come to my eyes. I was about to cry over people who I didn't know. The thought still amazes me.
The next day, I was going to have a talk with my RD, and I was getting ready to walk down to her apartment when I found myself start panicking...I sat down on the floor and just began praying outloud for God to calm my heart and give me words to say. Almost instantly I felt myself calm down...I was again amazed.
The next few days I met with friends at least one a day, reconciling relationships, appologizing for wrongs I had done, laughing a ton over silly things, and just spending time with people. It was really good and encouraging. I spent the weekend (post tornado that is) just camping and enjoying time in nature and with a simpler life-style...
I've been reading Pilgrim's Progress again... and it's probably my favorite book. The first time I read it, it was deep and I really liked it. But the past few times, I've seen SO many deeper points he was making, and it's just an amazing piece of literature.
"Who's this? The Pilgrim. How! 'Tis very true
Old things are pass'd away; all's become new.
Strange! He's another man, upon my word;
They be fine feathers, that make a fine bird."
"Chr. Nay, but do thou come with me, neighbour Pliable; there are such things to be had which I spoke of, and many more Glories besides; if you believe not me, read here in this Book, and for the truth of what is express'd therein, behold all is confirmed by the Blood of him that made it."
I have just continually been overwhelmed with God's presence in my life lately... It's ridiculous. I suppose that because I'm choosing to feel His pain, I am being shown His joy. I just have loved walking around and enjoying seeing God in everyone. 'The best place to see God's heart is in someone else.' I see Him working, and even if I miss it in the moments, looking back now its impossible to miss.
I'm extremely thankful for all of it. The ups and downs all seem worth it looking back knowing that without a doubt, God was there in all of it!
Psalm 5:3
"I see Your face, in EVERY sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside Your eyes, the World awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say Your Beautiful!
But I can't contain myself any longer, whether I know the whole story or if you will fill it in for me.
Essentially I've learned a lot. Lets start at the beginning:
I pulled an all nighter with 3 friends in Springfield (on 4/30/09), just because they wanted me to join. So I spent the night journaling and processing stuff. My prayer began on this night, in a many page monologue that I won't daunt you with. But, the prayer has continued ever since and it is "teach me what life would be like if you broke my heart for what breaks Yours." I can't believe how quickly God answered this prayer...pause: I sometimes wonder if He answered my prayer so quickly just to add some humor in his life almost like God was saying "now do you really want this?"...play: the first place I began to notice the changing of my heart was when I visited a church two sundays ago (5/3/09). It was a really small place, 60 people total, however they were all people I had never met before in my entire life (this becomes important later) and most people know how much I love strangers... :/ I was just there because a friend had asked me to join her. So, the service started and the pastor was talking about storms, he then proceeded to have the invitation that if any one was going through a storm to go to the front and be prayed over. I was suprised at how quickly and how many people then walked to the front of the room and began to weep. I sat there kind of at odds of what to do, and how to react. However, the more I watched the body of Christ in this form, the more I felt my heart break and tears come to my eyes. I was about to cry over people who I didn't know. The thought still amazes me.
The next day, I was going to have a talk with my RD, and I was getting ready to walk down to her apartment when I found myself start panicking...I sat down on the floor and just began praying outloud for God to calm my heart and give me words to say. Almost instantly I felt myself calm down...I was again amazed.
The next few days I met with friends at least one a day, reconciling relationships, appologizing for wrongs I had done, laughing a ton over silly things, and just spending time with people. It was really good and encouraging. I spent the weekend (post tornado that is) just camping and enjoying time in nature and with a simpler life-style...
I've been reading Pilgrim's Progress again... and it's probably my favorite book. The first time I read it, it was deep and I really liked it. But the past few times, I've seen SO many deeper points he was making, and it's just an amazing piece of literature.
"Who's this? The Pilgrim. How! 'Tis very true
Old things are pass'd away; all's become new.
Strange! He's another man, upon my word;
They be fine feathers, that make a fine bird."
"Chr. Nay, but do thou come with me, neighbour Pliable; there are such things to be had which I spoke of, and many more Glories besides; if you believe not me, read here in this Book, and for the truth of what is express'd therein, behold all is confirmed by the Blood of him that made it."
I have just continually been overwhelmed with God's presence in my life lately... It's ridiculous. I suppose that because I'm choosing to feel His pain, I am being shown His joy. I just have loved walking around and enjoying seeing God in everyone. 'The best place to see God's heart is in someone else.' I see Him working, and even if I miss it in the moments, looking back now its impossible to miss.
I'm extremely thankful for all of it. The ups and downs all seem worth it looking back knowing that without a doubt, God was there in all of it!
Psalm 5:3
"I see Your face, in EVERY sunrise, the colors of the morning are inside Your eyes, the World awakens in the light of the day, I look up to the sky and say Your Beautiful!
Monday, April 27, 2009
A Restless Night, Stirred By The Spirit....
1. I asked Madi how I could pray for her
2. I missed Tara so I sent her an email
3. I saw Holly's facebook status, so I sent a message
In all those instances that was You... all three of them responded with awe that I had sent them exactly what they needed, in the moment they needed them the most...smiles, I found You, in me...(a mind blowing thought, but there you were, for all three of those girls) Working in me, without my realization.
So I pick up Prasie Habit. There You are again. Why did I ever think You were missing, or that You could only be found where I left You last? I can't even remember any more.
But You got me thinking... How many of those God-sized moments do I continually miss? The acts that I see as small and insignificant, but the moments You place in my life to show Your glory, that encourage the body, and that show my obedience to the slightest tugs of my heart...
How can I be more conciously aware of you all the time? How can I learn not to miss those little tugs?
Sometimes I question whether I am really following You or just the idea of You. How am I to know? What exactly does a person following after You look like in my society and where You have placed me right now?
Lord, help me learn how not to live a mediocre life, but a life where I am passionately in love with you, where I love Your children, and they see You in me!
Show me what it means to be joyful always. Teach me to find you in everything: a sunrise, walking barefoot in the rain, laughing with friends, in my pain and my weakness. Break through my dense mind and bring me to life. You have blessed me more than I ever could have hoped or imagined, so why am I still dissatisfied?
God, teach me to fight for truth and show me with discernment when I am believing lies (I hate that sometimes I'm not even aware of the lies). "Direct my footsteps according to Your word, let no sin rule over me" -Psalm 119:133
Teach me to fully trust You, God. I've prayed over and over in the past about what to do in life and everytime, almost immediately I feel You answer "Follow me," but I struggle to follow what I cannot see. So I'm sorry for the times I let You down. Moments that I could have brought glory to Your name. I thank you for making me a holy, blameless, righteous daughter and for changing my hardened heart.
I earnestly pray for You to be my everything, and for You to fully show me what that means! I feel You stirring my heart, telling me that greater things will come, but I'm impatient and cant see past myself. I can't see the symphony score You're playing; all I see is my music (one piece) revealed one note at a time.
But don't let me miss those tiny moments, the ones that I would label as insignificant in the moment. For You are in those moments, and You gave them to me for a purpose!
"Open up this heart of mine Help me swallow My selfish pride Open up this mind I've closed
Fill me up with love That only You know I will sit here And wait for You Cause nothing satisfies Me the way that You do I will celebrate this joy That comes by grace Cause You've already won But I am in the race You will sing A song over me Victory Its already been fought And I will dance in This romance You are my king You're everything I'm not Breathe your peace Reign over me Glorious Be all I see I desire to take all I am To run hard after You To follow Your commands Beat struck down Well You were too I give my life Give it all to you
I wanna want you more Than anything in life I wanna breathe for you Dance for you all night You are my fighter My champion, my God Without You I am Nothing Im so very lost So meet me here Please just here On my knees With your peace Meet me here Replace my fears All lies and doubts Drown them out With a shout So loud and clear meet me here."
2. I missed Tara so I sent her an email
3. I saw Holly's facebook status, so I sent a message
In all those instances that was You... all three of them responded with awe that I had sent them exactly what they needed, in the moment they needed them the most...smiles, I found You, in me...(a mind blowing thought, but there you were, for all three of those girls) Working in me, without my realization.
So I pick up Prasie Habit. There You are again. Why did I ever think You were missing, or that You could only be found where I left You last? I can't even remember any more.
But You got me thinking... How many of those God-sized moments do I continually miss? The acts that I see as small and insignificant, but the moments You place in my life to show Your glory, that encourage the body, and that show my obedience to the slightest tugs of my heart...
How can I be more conciously aware of you all the time? How can I learn not to miss those little tugs?
Sometimes I question whether I am really following You or just the idea of You. How am I to know? What exactly does a person following after You look like in my society and where You have placed me right now?
Lord, help me learn how not to live a mediocre life, but a life where I am passionately in love with you, where I love Your children, and they see You in me!
Show me what it means to be joyful always. Teach me to find you in everything: a sunrise, walking barefoot in the rain, laughing with friends, in my pain and my weakness. Break through my dense mind and bring me to life. You have blessed me more than I ever could have hoped or imagined, so why am I still dissatisfied?
God, teach me to fight for truth and show me with discernment when I am believing lies (I hate that sometimes I'm not even aware of the lies). "Direct my footsteps according to Your word, let no sin rule over me" -Psalm 119:133
Teach me to fully trust You, God. I've prayed over and over in the past about what to do in life and everytime, almost immediately I feel You answer "Follow me," but I struggle to follow what I cannot see. So I'm sorry for the times I let You down. Moments that I could have brought glory to Your name. I thank you for making me a holy, blameless, righteous daughter and for changing my hardened heart.
I earnestly pray for You to be my everything, and for You to fully show me what that means! I feel You stirring my heart, telling me that greater things will come, but I'm impatient and cant see past myself. I can't see the symphony score You're playing; all I see is my music (one piece) revealed one note at a time.
But don't let me miss those tiny moments, the ones that I would label as insignificant in the moment. For You are in those moments, and You gave them to me for a purpose!
"Open up this heart of mine Help me swallow My selfish pride Open up this mind I've closed
Fill me up with love That only You know I will sit here And wait for You Cause nothing satisfies Me the way that You do I will celebrate this joy That comes by grace Cause You've already won But I am in the race You will sing A song over me Victory Its already been fought And I will dance in This romance You are my king You're everything I'm not Breathe your peace Reign over me Glorious Be all I see I desire to take all I am To run hard after You To follow Your commands Beat struck down Well You were too I give my life Give it all to you
I wanna want you more Than anything in life I wanna breathe for you Dance for you all night You are my fighter My champion, my God Without You I am Nothing Im so very lost So meet me here Please just here On my knees With your peace Meet me here Replace my fears All lies and doubts Drown them out With a shout So loud and clear meet me here."
-- Jess Erbeck
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The Irony of Birthdays...
I feel like I'm living on a roller coaster, with highs that make me feel like I'm no longer walking on the ground but floating, followed by pure exhaustion and frustration. This has been my past week...
I feel like I should appologize to the world, that I'm not perfect, and that I screw up so much I amaze myself when I think I can do something right... This past week definately strained some relationships!
I have been spending more time in the word recently which is awesome, but I feel mediocre, like when I read my soul is refreshed and I just want to soak it all in. But walking away from quiet times, I just feel kind of blah. Maybe I'm relying to much on emotion, but I feel like I should be more aware of the lost people, and be more persecuted.... I just don't understand!
I really missed Tara a lot today... hearing her voice on that video just made me start crying. I can't quite explain why. I love what she is doing and admire her greatly, but I just miss seeing her, hugging her, and living life that she was a part of. Her picture is on my door, the one of my cell group with her the last time we saw her, and the one of her and I on the ski-lift in Colorado, framed in my room is the one from her good-bye party at the lake. I wish I could really explain the feelings surrounding this... but I'm at a loss for words.
I think I realized today why exactly I didn't really want my birthday to come. The main reason is because I'm slightly saddened by the thought of celebrating without the people I love, and the people I always celebrate with... (like Angela, Adriane, Shelley, Mel, and Karla). Plus since most of my friends are to busy to really celebrate and go to dinner I didn't want to be disappointed, because we went for some other friends birthdays... I just don't quite know why I would celebrate then.
Side Bar: God has been rocking my world with truth lately and it has been much needed and much appreciated! I think that because of it, Satan has been using the above to keep me from growing the full amount that I could be...
I love this passage as of today: 1 John 4:13-17
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.
I feel like I should appologize to the world, that I'm not perfect, and that I screw up so much I amaze myself when I think I can do something right... This past week definately strained some relationships!
I have been spending more time in the word recently which is awesome, but I feel mediocre, like when I read my soul is refreshed and I just want to soak it all in. But walking away from quiet times, I just feel kind of blah. Maybe I'm relying to much on emotion, but I feel like I should be more aware of the lost people, and be more persecuted.... I just don't understand!
I really missed Tara a lot today... hearing her voice on that video just made me start crying. I can't quite explain why. I love what she is doing and admire her greatly, but I just miss seeing her, hugging her, and living life that she was a part of. Her picture is on my door, the one of my cell group with her the last time we saw her, and the one of her and I on the ski-lift in Colorado, framed in my room is the one from her good-bye party at the lake. I wish I could really explain the feelings surrounding this... but I'm at a loss for words.
I think I realized today why exactly I didn't really want my birthday to come. The main reason is because I'm slightly saddened by the thought of celebrating without the people I love, and the people I always celebrate with... (like Angela, Adriane, Shelley, Mel, and Karla). Plus since most of my friends are to busy to really celebrate and go to dinner I didn't want to be disappointed, because we went for some other friends birthdays... I just don't quite know why I would celebrate then.
Side Bar: God has been rocking my world with truth lately and it has been much needed and much appreciated! I think that because of it, Satan has been using the above to keep me from growing the full amount that I could be...
I love this passage as of today: 1 John 4:13-17
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Holy Week
So this week for holy week a teacher at our school challenged us to give something up for this week in order to experience Jesus more fully. In response I gave up facebook. It has actually been a lot easier than I expected, and has given me more oppertunities to spend time with people.
This week has been a weird funk for me I just have really been second guessing where I "fit in" and belong in this school. It's been a struggle and as a result I've spent much more time in my room than I normally do, just spending time alone. I'm finding the more people that I talk to (Mel and Angela) that its just a strange week for us all in general... however the three of us are typically on the same page, it can be kinda creepy.
But we did a experiential chapel today (i think i just dubbed it that name) but it was really cool, aside from having to sit in the dark for a long period of time... you can ask me about it if you really want to know...
walk in truth today!
its an encouragement to all!! ~Ames
This week has been a weird funk for me I just have really been second guessing where I "fit in" and belong in this school. It's been a struggle and as a result I've spent much more time in my room than I normally do, just spending time alone. I'm finding the more people that I talk to (Mel and Angela) that its just a strange week for us all in general... however the three of us are typically on the same page, it can be kinda creepy.
But we did a experiential chapel today (i think i just dubbed it that name) but it was really cool, aside from having to sit in the dark for a long period of time... you can ask me about it if you really want to know...
walk in truth today!
its an encouragement to all!! ~Ames
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
This is my declaration of dependence, of my need, this is my declaration of dependence on the one who gave this life to me...
So basically, this break has been much needed and overall much appreciated! There have been ups and downs for sure, most involving my mother but overall I was so ready for a break and didn't even know it...
I got to have a great talk with Shelley Saturday night (I skipped the second service...oops) just about life and what's been going on. She talked to me some about her life and it was just SO good to hear that someone got me and was willing to share with me!
Sunday was BEAUTIFUL, so I helped in 56 and then got to love on the precious Schafer twins... but I just love that whole family, such blessings all of them. Then I walked out to Tanyard and spent some time just being quiet and re-reading the story of Peter walking on water... its my favorite. I worked on some class stuff, and told my mom I changed majors, she wasn't happy but I figured she wouldn't be.
Monday I got to spend some time with Eulalia, who is such a sweet girl! I had a lot of fun with her, and just listening to her heart. Then I worked for a long time, but I love my job and so I wasn't complaining.
Today, I spent my morning with one of my favorite kiddos! She and I read books, and my word she has gotten big while I was at school. It kinda makes me sad, but she is so funny that you can't stay sad for long! Hopefully my camera lens get here today... I'm hoping. And I get to work again tonight.
I'm in a good place, there have been quite a few times these past few days that I have wanted to get upset or something, and I'm trying really hard to focus on how blessed I really am, plus I've got girls constantly telling me how much they love me. It's great.
I'm excited for my phone date with Mel tomorrow! :D
Keep pruning us because we're known for screwing up
Each part of me that He changes, means I look a little more like Him every day... (how awesome is that?!)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Lord move in a way I've never seen before, 'cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door, so move, move, or move me!
I saw the law... I took my eyes off Him and I sank... FAST.
I was ok, until Wednesday night I was talking to a girl in my dorm and she gave me a push that I needed to, but that was really hard. To tell people I don't trust that a girl I love with my whole heart was in trouble... seeing the problem? After doing so I told my ra why I didn't trust her and didn't want to talk to her, it didn't go so well.
I woke up to the girl I love not wanting to talk to me really, and being around me when she has to, every plan we had made she cancelled, to "bond with her girls." It hurts a lot... I didn't trust those people any way, I trusted her and loved her, now she's upset with me. I know she needed that, and that hopefully someday she'll understand that I did it because I wanted to be sure we could go together on our 6 months.
*sighs* so I cried all through worship. No, I'm not ok, but I'm really trying to let go and cling to the promise that God is here and he is working on me, and the people around me.
That was Thursday... today I spent some time with Kyleigh, I just enjoy her! I took a test in New Testament, got Age dinner for her and Sim, and drove to work... I got off and found out my mom's boyfriend (of like 2 years) broke up with her, and she was so upset that my grandmother was at the house making sure nothing happened. I got home and it was my turn. She has no hope right now, she said it herself. I don't know what to do, or what state I'll find her in in the morning...
I'm tired...maybe I should sleep...
I was ok, until Wednesday night I was talking to a girl in my dorm and she gave me a push that I needed to, but that was really hard. To tell people I don't trust that a girl I love with my whole heart was in trouble... seeing the problem? After doing so I told my ra why I didn't trust her and didn't want to talk to her, it didn't go so well.
I woke up to the girl I love not wanting to talk to me really, and being around me when she has to, every plan we had made she cancelled, to "bond with her girls." It hurts a lot... I didn't trust those people any way, I trusted her and loved her, now she's upset with me. I know she needed that, and that hopefully someday she'll understand that I did it because I wanted to be sure we could go together on our 6 months.
*sighs* so I cried all through worship. No, I'm not ok, but I'm really trying to let go and cling to the promise that God is here and he is working on me, and the people around me.
That was Thursday... today I spent some time with Kyleigh, I just enjoy her! I took a test in New Testament, got Age dinner for her and Sim, and drove to work... I got off and found out my mom's boyfriend (of like 2 years) broke up with her, and she was so upset that my grandmother was at the house making sure nothing happened. I got home and it was my turn. She has no hope right now, she said it herself. I don't know what to do, or what state I'll find her in in the morning...
I'm tired...maybe I should sleep...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Shine On...
This week, I'm just basking in the glory of God. He works in such amazing ways, and when I let go of what I think I should hold on to, He blows me away every time!
I've laughed a ton this week and gotten to play disk golf for the first time... I'm not very good at it though, but who cares :)
I had a really good talk in spiritual formation today about the law and grace. Our professor talked about the law and grace and how a lot of christians live under the law still. We also talked about the symbolism of the story where Peter walks on water here's the basics:
water represents the law, often throughout the bible-example: exodus
So in this instance when Jesus was walking to the water he was being held up by the law and when Peter joined him as long as he looked at Jesus the whole time he too was upheld by the law. But as soon as he focused on the law and not Jesus he sank, because that is all the law can ever do, emphasize the need for a savior, and make you sink more.
Its a phenominal thought to me!
I ate in a fountain tonight...it was enjoyable
I've laughed a ton this week and gotten to play disk golf for the first time... I'm not very good at it though, but who cares :)
I had a really good talk in spiritual formation today about the law and grace. Our professor talked about the law and grace and how a lot of christians live under the law still. We also talked about the symbolism of the story where Peter walks on water here's the basics:
water represents the law, often throughout the bible-example: exodus
So in this instance when Jesus was walking to the water he was being held up by the law and when Peter joined him as long as he looked at Jesus the whole time he too was upheld by the law. But as soon as he focused on the law and not Jesus he sank, because that is all the law can ever do, emphasize the need for a savior, and make you sink more.
Its a phenominal thought to me!
I ate in a fountain tonight...it was enjoyable
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I may be down but I will rise... It may be dark but God is light...
This week has been a sad week...
Monday and Tuesday were hard days just in the sheer amount of tests and lack of sleep (you can't sleep on a greyhound...lesson learned the hard way). But I think Wednesday and Thursday are just sad days... but I know that God is here, and he is still good. As my professor says in our spiritual formations class that "my feeler is stuck," and I'm guessing thats probably true... the more that I continually tell myself that what I'm feeling is not who I am, the more I feel that way.... *sigh* I'll get there...
Monday and Tuesday were hard days just in the sheer amount of tests and lack of sleep (you can't sleep on a greyhound...lesson learned the hard way). But I think Wednesday and Thursday are just sad days... but I know that God is here, and he is still good. As my professor says in our spiritual formations class that "my feeler is stuck," and I'm guessing thats probably true... the more that I continually tell myself that what I'm feeling is not who I am, the more I feel that way.... *sigh* I'll get there...
Monday, March 2, 2009
Clinging to the Cross...
So the excitement about life has died down slightly, but you know, I'm still content. I have had a couple really good conversations the past few days, but I think I've just been really distracted. I have a tendency to run myself to the point of pure exhaustion and then as soon as I regain some conciousness, I do it all over again. The never ending cycle I have yet to learn from. Needless to say, I'm on a low on energy...
I've been real distracted all day long, like I'm pretty sure, now that I think about it I washed my hair twice this morning because I was thinking, and in the process of thinking about this I lost about 30 minutes of my history class. The kind of distraction where you just follow the rabbit trail and you pop out like 30 some minutes later and wonder where you have been that whole time, and what you missed because you weren't in the classroom...
"Direct my footsteps according to your word; let NO sin rule over me." --Psalm 119:133 (emphasis on no, added)
I love that verse, it's been speaking tons to me lately. I feel like if someone gave a sermon on this verse alone, it wouldn't be sufficient. I think it is because this has been a season of revelations, in how many lies I was believing and the truths behind them.
"You can take the world, just give me YOU!"
I've been real distracted all day long, like I'm pretty sure, now that I think about it I washed my hair twice this morning because I was thinking, and in the process of thinking about this I lost about 30 minutes of my history class. The kind of distraction where you just follow the rabbit trail and you pop out like 30 some minutes later and wonder where you have been that whole time, and what you missed because you weren't in the classroom...
"Direct my footsteps according to your word; let NO sin rule over me." --Psalm 119:133 (emphasis on no, added)
I love that verse, it's been speaking tons to me lately. I feel like if someone gave a sermon on this verse alone, it wouldn't be sufficient. I think it is because this has been a season of revelations, in how many lies I was believing and the truths behind them.
"You can take the world, just give me YOU!"
Monday, February 23, 2009
"I'm unworthy, I have done nothing, I'm unworthy, Thank you for giving me life!"
I've been so excited about life lately! God has been teaching me so much I can't even begin to soak it all in... so here is my attempt:
I'm in training at the Alpha House, their goal is to someday have me and another good friend of mine mentoring young ladies our age.
A girl who has been really heavy on my heart seems to be doing really well now, and I know that it's only through the Lord's continual hand in her life!
I get to go to Chicago for the first time next weekend, and see a good friend. I've never been and am really excited to spend the weekend with herI'M ON THE JULY TEAM TO GUATEMALA AGAIN!!! I get to go back, and I feel so blessed, I love that nation and still hold on to hopes that someday I'll move there.
I've been forced to, in a sense, for my classes to spend a lot of time in the word, and then reflect on that by writing papers, and I've been learning so much about God and things like that, and it gets me so excited for heaven one day!
I've been blessed by having some really awesome girls come into my life that were there but in the background last semester, I love them, and they love Jesus. I may actually get to partner with one for our six months abroad for my ics major! I'm so excited for that too!!!
Plus I miss Kayla, Adriane, Shelley, and a bunch of people back home, and I get to see them all this weekend, and I'm really excited to see them and talk to them even if it is a brief hug.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
"You're falling me over..."
I have a lot of homework I should be working on; however, I don't feel like being productive. I should be working on my gospel reaction paper, and my testamony. I should be reading books, and I'm finding I'm an insomniac. I can never fall asleep, drugs or not. So it's close to 4 am and I have yet to feel tired... (not sure how to fix the time thing on the bottom of the posts, but my computer doesn't lie)
I missed home today, a lot. Mainly I miss the community I have with my church, and how I feel like I play a part in that body, and how there are SO many girls who continually love on me and pour into me.
Random side-bars: my night terror is returning/getting worse, along with some other things that are changing life for me.
I really enjoyed last week, from going out late on Tuesday night and playing word-association at 3 am, to going to "Mehop" and house church Thursday. I partied with some girls in my room last night and had a movie marathon and pizza. I found a lot of joy last week.
I was thinking about how God promises us that we will be given the deepest desires of our hearts and I read a verse saying that when you are praying for something and really believe in it, you should pray like you have already recieved that gift (i think it's in Mark?). But that whole concept just blows my mind, that my unspoken desires will one day be fulfilled! Its amazing.
I'm finding John Piper's book that talks about Christian Hedonism (when I don't desire god) is the cycle of my life. I find truths and feel liberated and free, and then I realize the wasted time and the potential, or my perpetual worry begins to kick in and I crash. Hardcore. I don't really know what to think or do about this... thoughts?
I wrote down my worries last night, and as I went through the day I could only think of more things to add to the list... maybe I should be interceeding for these things not just be collecting them...?
I missed home today, a lot. Mainly I miss the community I have with my church, and how I feel like I play a part in that body, and how there are SO many girls who continually love on me and pour into me.
Random side-bars: my night terror is returning/getting worse, along with some other things that are changing life for me.
I really enjoyed last week, from going out late on Tuesday night and playing word-association at 3 am, to going to "Mehop" and house church Thursday. I partied with some girls in my room last night and had a movie marathon and pizza. I found a lot of joy last week.
I was thinking about how God promises us that we will be given the deepest desires of our hearts and I read a verse saying that when you are praying for something and really believe in it, you should pray like you have already recieved that gift (i think it's in Mark?). But that whole concept just blows my mind, that my unspoken desires will one day be fulfilled! Its amazing.
I'm finding John Piper's book that talks about Christian Hedonism (when I don't desire god) is the cycle of my life. I find truths and feel liberated and free, and then I realize the wasted time and the potential, or my perpetual worry begins to kick in and I crash. Hardcore. I don't really know what to think or do about this... thoughts?
I wrote down my worries last night, and as I went through the day I could only think of more things to add to the list... maybe I should be interceeding for these things not just be collecting them...?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I need you jesus to come to my rescue where else can I go?
My heart is heavy, and has been for sometime now. If it's for you, then you know it. If not bear with me please. I love people a lot, especially those people who have a special place in my heart. I hate to watch people in pain and not be able to do anything about it. I promised all of you I would keep your secret, and plan on it. I just don't know how to help you. I'm sorry, I have failed any expectations you had...
I've officially been back at school for over a week. It's not so bad. I like my classes and the way I set them up. I got to swim this week too!!!! That was very exciting and I think it will help me balance my life this semester.
I feel distracte in my spiritual walk and know that it's because my perpetual problem with worry has been acting up again. I'm really trying to relinquish control but its really hard!
This is a prayer a friend from up here wrote for me, and sent it: I have been praying it for myself and many hearts:
God, I pray that Amy will come to a point in her life that she just acknowledges that you are going to have to be the source and the comfort to the deepest cries of heart. That no person, can help her... But only you can. My heart cries, my spirit weeps for her, that she can realize in her life it is not something she has to do but simply just tell you as cliche as it might sound and just live to see you move and work in her life. I know that our culture has wrapped our minds around doing something to find your love, reading or praying to recieve more of your love but your love is full and complete from the very first day we choose to follow you and believe in Jesus. God I pray that Amy will just believe with her little to no belief she has and that you will do what only you as God can do. I know that seems like a step to say that But i know I am learning in my life that I have to rely on you regardless of how much i feel i can becuase you are wanting to do a God size miracle in a human mind... that is not possible to imagine. I love and care alot about amy and want to see her find comfort, love and acceptance in only you God. Guide her and help her believe and move her where you please... I know she doesnt know where to turn or how to act or what to do but I know you do. You have a plan, please God live that out in her life in such a way there is no other way but to acknowledge you as the full craftsmanship of the situation. My my spirit (christ within me) interceed for her on her behalf as well as the very christ that is within her to help her find love acceptance and completness in you God alone! Be the God of her life, the father of her heart, and the friend of a lifetime. To you be all the glory becuase that is the only way it seems fit! Amen(So BE IT!)
My heart interceeds for my girls, and I can know with satisfaction if they let go God will do a miracle, and yet there are times when I have a hard time living that out. Girls, all of you, I LOVE YOU, forever. I refuse to let that be changed.
"there's no other name by which I am saved, capture me with grace. I will follow you. this world has nothing for me, I will follow you."
"there are many prodigal sons, on our city streets they run, searching for shelter. there are homes broken down, peoples hopes have fallen to the ground from failures. This is an emergency..."
I've officially been back at school for over a week. It's not so bad. I like my classes and the way I set them up. I got to swim this week too!!!! That was very exciting and I think it will help me balance my life this semester.
I feel distracte in my spiritual walk and know that it's because my perpetual problem with worry has been acting up again. I'm really trying to relinquish control but its really hard!
This is a prayer a friend from up here wrote for me, and sent it: I have been praying it for myself and many hearts:
God, I pray that Amy will come to a point in her life that she just acknowledges that you are going to have to be the source and the comfort to the deepest cries of heart. That no person, can help her... But only you can. My heart cries, my spirit weeps for her, that she can realize in her life it is not something she has to do but simply just tell you as cliche as it might sound and just live to see you move and work in her life. I know that our culture has wrapped our minds around doing something to find your love, reading or praying to recieve more of your love but your love is full and complete from the very first day we choose to follow you and believe in Jesus. God I pray that Amy will just believe with her little to no belief she has and that you will do what only you as God can do. I know that seems like a step to say that But i know I am learning in my life that I have to rely on you regardless of how much i feel i can becuase you are wanting to do a God size miracle in a human mind... that is not possible to imagine. I love and care alot about amy and want to see her find comfort, love and acceptance in only you God. Guide her and help her believe and move her where you please... I know she doesnt know where to turn or how to act or what to do but I know you do. You have a plan, please God live that out in her life in such a way there is no other way but to acknowledge you as the full craftsmanship of the situation. My my spirit (christ within me) interceed for her on her behalf as well as the very christ that is within her to help her find love acceptance and completness in you God alone! Be the God of her life, the father of her heart, and the friend of a lifetime. To you be all the glory becuase that is the only way it seems fit! Amen(So BE IT!)
My heart interceeds for my girls, and I can know with satisfaction if they let go God will do a miracle, and yet there are times when I have a hard time living that out. Girls, all of you, I LOVE YOU, forever. I refuse to let that be changed.
"there's no other name by which I am saved, capture me with grace. I will follow you. this world has nothing for me, I will follow you."
"there are many prodigal sons, on our city streets they run, searching for shelter. there are homes broken down, peoples hopes have fallen to the ground from failures. This is an emergency..."
Friday, January 23, 2009
I am nothing on my own...
So the past few days I have felt completely overwhelmed by everything. I look at my life and I see the things I want to change, I could list them out, but it seems pointless right now. But Looking at that list my heart surges, almost as if the battle cry has rung out and it is time to charge ahead, like a warrior into a battle. But logically, I can't reason where to start. I love puzzles and figuring them out, I look at life in a step by step pattern "if a=b and b=c then a=c" to me this would be lovely. But somewhere in the pages of the book the solution is there, where I need to start and the steps to completion, yet I have done nothing but wear myself out looking for it out. So, I stand here, and I'm overwhelmed and tired.
I love carrying burdens with other people, living life the way it should be. My heart breaks for the girls I've talked to lately, and the choices and pain they are having to deal with. I'm sorry, I wish I could take this from you, but I am stuck here and you will remain here/at school far away. I wish I could adequitely consol you, or even understand your pain. Don't worry your secret is safe with me. I'll keep it until you're ready, it's the least I can do for you girls.
I leave soon, and I'm sad about it. I feel like I failed some people here, and I've run out of time to make it better. I like my job, they are my family. I love my church, they live life with me, a true community. Here I constantly marvel at how blessed I was/am with the sheer amount of people that continually encourage and love on me. People that if I was asked about this summer I wouldn't realize what they mean to me. School is hard for me, because this is all so far away. I feel lonely, and like people don't want to try and understand, shutting me up would be easier. I refuse to transfer, I refuse that defeat, I AM there for a reason, it remains unseen as of today.
I need discernment. Hardcore.
"You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is
My delight
Come away with Me
My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you
My song of peace
Cast all your care down at
My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe
My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of
My strength
I'll take you to
My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in
Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love"--Kari Jobe
Someday the significance of those words will sink in. Until then I pray to understand them...
I love carrying burdens with other people, living life the way it should be. My heart breaks for the girls I've talked to lately, and the choices and pain they are having to deal with. I'm sorry, I wish I could take this from you, but I am stuck here and you will remain here/at school far away. I wish I could adequitely consol you, or even understand your pain. Don't worry your secret is safe with me. I'll keep it until you're ready, it's the least I can do for you girls.
I leave soon, and I'm sad about it. I feel like I failed some people here, and I've run out of time to make it better. I like my job, they are my family. I love my church, they live life with me, a true community. Here I constantly marvel at how blessed I was/am with the sheer amount of people that continually encourage and love on me. People that if I was asked about this summer I wouldn't realize what they mean to me. School is hard for me, because this is all so far away. I feel lonely, and like people don't want to try and understand, shutting me up would be easier. I refuse to transfer, I refuse that defeat, I AM there for a reason, it remains unseen as of today.
I need discernment. Hardcore.
"You're My Beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is
My delight
Come away with Me
My love
You're Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me
Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you My child
You're Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me
I sing over you
My song of peace
Cast all your care down at
My feet
Come and find your rest in Me
I'll breathe
My life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of
My strength
I'll take you to
My quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in
Me and be made whole
You're My beloved
You're My Bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love"--Kari Jobe
Someday the significance of those words will sink in. Until then I pray to understand them...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Don't take the dark, but please make it lighter
I've always been ridiculously terrified of the dark, so much so that I shake when outside in the dark (driving included). I typically do whatever possible to keep myself from being alone in the dark. Lately however, I decided to try something new. Nights that I have to be in the dark I just pray that God will make it light enough to see; and the Lord has provided every single time I've asked. I realize that it isn't acutally any lighter than any other night, but I'm finding that the Lord changes my perspective to make me trust.
I have been learning a lot about community this week. Loving people in the midst of their needs. Holding hands with Ali just to remind her I'm there, and talking with Brittany about her anxiousness. I got to love on these girls today, and I know that it's the Lord because I get pushed to the point where normally I would get frustrated, and I find I just love more. I'm not sure I fully get it yet.
I'm trying really hard to give God control, and to trust Him more fully. I find it hard to comprehend trusting God with my whole life, so I settle for trusting for 5 minutes at a time. Once those 5 minutes are up I recommit. I try and go with the flow more now because I learned fighting things that really aren't in my control is pointless, and if its not helping my walk with the Lord, or the other person, or the situation. It can only hurt.
I need to process a lot of what I've been learning, I think. But I tend to get lost in the bustle of daily activities and find myself just bogged down with the weight of my mind.
"Give me Your eyes for just one second, give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing, give me a love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me a heart for the ones forgotten, give me Your eyes so I can see."
I have been learning a lot about community this week. Loving people in the midst of their needs. Holding hands with Ali just to remind her I'm there, and talking with Brittany about her anxiousness. I got to love on these girls today, and I know that it's the Lord because I get pushed to the point where normally I would get frustrated, and I find I just love more. I'm not sure I fully get it yet.
I'm trying really hard to give God control, and to trust Him more fully. I find it hard to comprehend trusting God with my whole life, so I settle for trusting for 5 minutes at a time. Once those 5 minutes are up I recommit. I try and go with the flow more now because I learned fighting things that really aren't in my control is pointless, and if its not helping my walk with the Lord, or the other person, or the situation. It can only hurt.
I need to process a lot of what I've been learning, I think. But I tend to get lost in the bustle of daily activities and find myself just bogged down with the weight of my mind.
"Give me Your eyes for just one second, give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing, give me a love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me a heart for the ones forgotten, give me Your eyes so I can see."
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Blessed Beyond Measure
"You said, ask and you will recieve, whatever you need.
You said pray and I'll hear from heaven, and I'll heal your land."
Today was probably one of the best days that I have had in a long time. In all aspects. I woke up to my father-figure sending me a text of our daily verse. I had coffee with Shelley, and it reminded me how much she blesses me, and how much I truly have missed having someone who shares their heart with me, and then points me to God when I share mine. She dropped me off for work and I worked and really just felt at peace there. I left to have dinner with Sam and Clayton, and those two have always challenged my thoughts. When Sam left, Clayton and I talked for hours just about our lives and hearts for the nations. Also, all day people who bless me beyond their comprehension continued to send me texts of how they loved me and wanted to spend time with me. I wrote all that, to write that I know that I am always blessed but there seem to be times when I need to be reminded that it hits me, and I have to pull onto the sholder in an empty Denny's parking lot, and just worship the Lord for his continued faithfulness in my life and how today was one of the best "bonus" days I have had for a long time. I have been stretched to grow and learn this break in aspects of my life that I couldn't imagine sitting in Bolivar before break. I am ready to go back, but not for the reasons you could probably guess.
"Ask and I'll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will see you're light, as it rises on us."
I want to be a sign post. Like Mark talked about two weeks ago. Ones that only point to God, because that is why they were created. But I fear, that many days I only point to myself. That's been a convicting thought, of my intentions. I want to touch lives of kids in Guatemala, but I'm scared that's just my selfish ambition. I've been praying for discernment lately. I'm working on completely trusting the Lord with EVERYTHING. All thoughts, feelings, and actions. I am finding how much I don't actually trust God with my life. Its almost like I gave over big things to him but continue to hold on to what I consider small and insignificant choices; yet those seem to fill my days a lot more than life changing choices. So am I trusting? Or is it those million small insignificant choices that I continually make that really are shaping the big things? So where do I start? This has been a month of questioning things I thought to be certain. I haven't really talked to people about these thoughts, because I'm pretty sure I know the answers and I have come to realize how much I run to people with thoughts and I need to run to the Lord.
"I cannot do this anymore, to many things beyond my control. It's not that I don't want to, but I can't, please don't allow me to fail again. And what am I supposed to do when I don't feel you? My life is already such a mess how can I be used? And all my comforts leave me stripped and bare, I feel the world can't help but stop, and stare. When am I gonna stop, relying on myself, to quit these foolish ways, to look for someone else. When am I gonna realize it's not about me, I can't do this alone, 'cause I am oh so weak. 'Cause it takes much more than I have, to fight for every truth, to get out of these lies, and go out seeking You."-(www.myspace.com/jesserbeck)
that was written by an amazingly talented girl at my school, and this month my reflections have echoed this sweet girls words. I hate using things that aren't mine, but this girl nailed it!
"We live by faith, not by sight"- 2 Corinthians 5:7
You said pray and I'll hear from heaven, and I'll heal your land."
Today was probably one of the best days that I have had in a long time. In all aspects. I woke up to my father-figure sending me a text of our daily verse. I had coffee with Shelley, and it reminded me how much she blesses me, and how much I truly have missed having someone who shares their heart with me, and then points me to God when I share mine. She dropped me off for work and I worked and really just felt at peace there. I left to have dinner with Sam and Clayton, and those two have always challenged my thoughts. When Sam left, Clayton and I talked for hours just about our lives and hearts for the nations. Also, all day people who bless me beyond their comprehension continued to send me texts of how they loved me and wanted to spend time with me. I wrote all that, to write that I know that I am always blessed but there seem to be times when I need to be reminded that it hits me, and I have to pull onto the sholder in an empty Denny's parking lot, and just worship the Lord for his continued faithfulness in my life and how today was one of the best "bonus" days I have had for a long time. I have been stretched to grow and learn this break in aspects of my life that I couldn't imagine sitting in Bolivar before break. I am ready to go back, but not for the reasons you could probably guess.
"Ask and I'll give the nations to you, Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will see you're light, as it rises on us."
I want to be a sign post. Like Mark talked about two weeks ago. Ones that only point to God, because that is why they were created. But I fear, that many days I only point to myself. That's been a convicting thought, of my intentions. I want to touch lives of kids in Guatemala, but I'm scared that's just my selfish ambition. I've been praying for discernment lately. I'm working on completely trusting the Lord with EVERYTHING. All thoughts, feelings, and actions. I am finding how much I don't actually trust God with my life. Its almost like I gave over big things to him but continue to hold on to what I consider small and insignificant choices; yet those seem to fill my days a lot more than life changing choices. So am I trusting? Or is it those million small insignificant choices that I continually make that really are shaping the big things? So where do I start? This has been a month of questioning things I thought to be certain. I haven't really talked to people about these thoughts, because I'm pretty sure I know the answers and I have come to realize how much I run to people with thoughts and I need to run to the Lord.
"I cannot do this anymore, to many things beyond my control. It's not that I don't want to, but I can't, please don't allow me to fail again. And what am I supposed to do when I don't feel you? My life is already such a mess how can I be used? And all my comforts leave me stripped and bare, I feel the world can't help but stop, and stare. When am I gonna stop, relying on myself, to quit these foolish ways, to look for someone else. When am I gonna realize it's not about me, I can't do this alone, 'cause I am oh so weak. 'Cause it takes much more than I have, to fight for every truth, to get out of these lies, and go out seeking You."-(www.myspace.com/jesserbeck)
that was written by an amazingly talented girl at my school, and this month my reflections have echoed this sweet girls words. I hate using things that aren't mine, but this girl nailed it!
"We live by faith, not by sight"- 2 Corinthians 5:7
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