"When I get to heaven, I wanna go find Job, I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows, like how to be broken but faithful..."

So after a month of hard decisions and brokenness. I am certain that my prayers for growth were answered.

April was hard, between the stress of school, planning a wedding, and fighting with family, changing dorms and roommates, I was definitely stretched and challenged. I felt the sting of brokenness and for a while failed to seek the Lord in my brokenness. I was overwhelmed by everything and had to sit down one day and just begin to process everything going on in my life, and spend some quality time seeking the Lord.

Plus throw in the fact that Murray is working on becoming more of a biblical leader within the context of our relationship, and trying to find the balance between encouraging him and showing him the areas that he isn't doing the best in has been hard. But he is at camp now, and even though I won't get to see him much this summer I think it will be good.

Recently the Lord has just been tugging my heart by showing me different aspects of his character. For example, when I was struggling financially I just had to trust that somehow the Lord would provide a way for me to live, and sure enough, a check arrived in the mail from my grandfather for Murray and I and it was more than enough to supply what we needed, plus bless a friend who was in desperate need as well. So I began to meditate on God as my provider. Yesterday, I was hiking with a dear friend, and we hiked a waterfall that we have hiked and I have hiked with others and alone a million times, and because the water was stronger than it had been because of all the rain, we made it to the top and as I was reaching for the rock on the other side to climb up on, the current swept me back down the mountain. My backpack came open and everything in it fell out except for my keys and wallet (the two smallest items, but the two irreplaceable items), I was able to get to the side and walked away with a bunch of cuts and bruises but other than that unharmed. I just happened to work out that everything I lost, was pretty easily replaced except for my glasses (which I'll get ordered today). It was then that I really saw how God protected me and took care of me. Because before we even started I left my phone in the car (something I have never done, in case I got lost hiking) and my keys didn't even get wet, which means my clicker still works. God has just continually shown me parts about me as to why I should trust Him more and more. This has been really encouraging.

I have LOVED being home so far, even though it is unlike any break I have had and I feel like a lot of things about this summer is uncertain, I know that the Lord will do great things and I will be shown the extent of how blessed I am.

The more time I spend around other people's children, the more I feel like I get a glimpse of what heaven will be like. They are the light in every room, and most of the kids I get the honor of working with haven't been told by this world that there are things they can't do. They trust people sometimes not quickly but fully if you are the person holding the animal cookies, they aren't ashamed to ask to be cuddled with or reassured that they are safe, and honestly I feel like a lot of the four year olds in our pre-k place could tell you more what heaven will be like than we can now. Realizing this, and promising myself I won't be one of those teachers that ruins this child-like faith, it has really challenged me to trust God as much as they do, and pray as quickly as they do. And for the kids who can't yet speak, I have been challenged to pray they become like the kids I worked with on Saturday.

"Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember


Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character"